I am a sucker for buying children presents, especially when it isn't a present-centered occasion. Now that almost all my friends have children, this means I am buying a lot of presents for no reason whatsoever. As a result, I now limit my purchases to $10 per kid for these any-occasion presents.
The other day, I was out shopping for a 5 year-old and a 9 year-old, and I came upon the fishing section. "Came upon" isn't the right wordage. Ran full speed to that section and used the cart as a riding toy by running and getting it up to the proper speed and then hopping on and yelling "whee!" while the wind blew in my hair is probably more proper wordage.
I adore the fishing section of stores. Fishing is the greatest thing ever. EVER. I do not possess the vocabulary to tell you why fishing is so awesome, so I will let Ron Swanson tell you for me:
I wander down the fishing aisle, look at a bunch of rods and reels (not a euphemism, I genuinely did this) and then came upon something so wonderful, something so magical, it almost appeared to glow:
AIR HORNS
For some reason, I thought this was the greatest gift ever for a couple of little boys. So I put about 14 of them in my cart. See, I had already spent about $6 on candy for them. CANDY AND AIR HORNS = the perfect gift in my eyes.
I got to the checkout, started to unload my cart, and looked up at the checkout woman. She was looking at me with a look that said "She's too fat to be on meth, but CLEARLY a woman who has a cart full of nothing but candy and air horns is on drugs."
And that's about when my common sense came back to me. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to buy children of any age air horns. I am not sure where my brain went when I originally threw them in the cart, I hope it had a nice vacation.
I guess what I am trying to say is if I ever bring your child a gift, just check it first, because there is no assurance that my brain is on vacation or not.
The other day, I was out shopping for a 5 year-old and a 9 year-old, and I came upon the fishing section. "Came upon" isn't the right wordage. Ran full speed to that section and used the cart as a riding toy by running and getting it up to the proper speed and then hopping on and yelling "whee!" while the wind blew in my hair is probably more proper wordage.
I adore the fishing section of stores. Fishing is the greatest thing ever. EVER. I do not possess the vocabulary to tell you why fishing is so awesome, so I will let Ron Swanson tell you for me:
AIR HORNS
For some reason, I thought this was the greatest gift ever for a couple of little boys. So I put about 14 of them in my cart. See, I had already spent about $6 on candy for them. CANDY AND AIR HORNS = the perfect gift in my eyes.
I got to the checkout, started to unload my cart, and looked up at the checkout woman. She was looking at me with a look that said "She's too fat to be on meth, but CLEARLY a woman who has a cart full of nothing but candy and air horns is on drugs."
And that's about when my common sense came back to me. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to buy children of any age air horns. I am not sure where my brain went when I originally threw them in the cart, I hope it had a nice vacation.
I guess what I am trying to say is if I ever bring your child a gift, just check it first, because there is no assurance that my brain is on vacation or not.
brain on vacation = perfect story in my eyes.
ReplyDelete...whaaat. There was no battery acid on sale?
ReplyDeleteYou get it from your Dad's side. Remember, this IS the man who told you that you would get "assworms" from eating your Grandmother's sugar cubes.
ReplyDelete