All week I have been having snide thoughts. I have been assured by my friends that everyone has these thoughts, and that I am not just an unique asshole who thinks terrible things. Without further ado, here are some things I have had to stop myself from saying in the past week.
"Holy shit, you smell like Cheez-Its. Great, now I want some Cheez-its. Thanks for contributing to my weight problem, jackass."
"Wait. You're a horrible person. I totally forgot! You don't like me. Why am I even wasting the effort of speaking to you. Wow. You TOTALLY hate me." (I actually IM'ed my friend Matt and was like "Dude, have you ever mid-way-through speaking with someone remembered that person is an asshole who hates you?" And he replied with "ALL THE TIME." So yay, not just me!) (Also, upon realizing this, I totally started smiling like an idiot.)
"I am going to say I am happy to do this for you, but I am totally not. I'm going to do it anyhow, because don't get me wrong, I have nothing better going on right now. Holy shit that's depressing."
"That is the ugliest uggo baby I have ever seen. And I just came from the zoo."
"You make the worst financial decisions I have ever seen anyone ever in the history of shitty credit make. Are...are you actually trying?"
"Please don't want to come into my house. Please? I really don't want to be social today."
"It smells like a poopie diaper in here, but there are no children to be seen. NONE OF THESE CHAIRS ARE SAFE ANYMORE! I CAN NEVER SIT DOWN AGAIN!"
"I would totally tattoo my name on your baby. If you were smart you would never leave it alone with me."
"Holy shit I totally want to just build a fort and take a nap. How is that not a well-paying job yet?"
"You are going to cause me to eat my feelings. And my feelings had better be covered in cheese."
"I totally hope you don't notice that I call your baby an 'it' instead of he or she because I can't tell what sex it is and it's been like 3 months so it's far too late for me to just ask."
"Fuck I totally hate mashed potatoes."
"Those aren't real."
"Holy shit, you smell like Cheez-Its. Great, now I want some Cheez-its. Thanks for contributing to my weight problem, jackass."
"Wait. You're a horrible person. I totally forgot! You don't like me. Why am I even wasting the effort of speaking to you. Wow. You TOTALLY hate me." (I actually IM'ed my friend Matt and was like "Dude, have you ever mid-way-through speaking with someone remembered that person is an asshole who hates you?" And he replied with "ALL THE TIME." So yay, not just me!) (Also, upon realizing this, I totally started smiling like an idiot.)
"I am going to say I am happy to do this for you, but I am totally not. I'm going to do it anyhow, because don't get me wrong, I have nothing better going on right now. Holy shit that's depressing."
"You make the worst financial decisions I have ever seen anyone ever in the history of shitty credit make. Are...are you actually trying?"
"Please don't want to come into my house. Please? I really don't want to be social today."
"It smells like a poopie diaper in here, but there are no children to be seen. NONE OF THESE CHAIRS ARE SAFE ANYMORE! I CAN NEVER SIT DOWN AGAIN!"
"I would totally tattoo my name on your baby. If you were smart you would never leave it alone with me."
"You are going to cause me to eat my feelings. And my feelings had better be covered in cheese."
"I totally hope you don't notice that I call your baby an 'it' instead of he or she because I can't tell what sex it is and it's been like 3 months so it's far too late for me to just ask."
"Fuck I totally hate mashed potatoes."
"Those aren't real."
If I had a baby, I would let you tattoo your name on it, as long as it was done with marker and youre not actually attacking my child with needles.
ReplyDeleteAlso, mashed potatoes are the shit, and youre a freak.
Finally, if you think this shit is rude, you should here what goes through MY head
you do realize I'm looking at Mr. C, realizing I've got an hour to kill before naptime and wondering how toxic markers are to an infant's liver and if I could get it all off before Steve gets home.... right?
ReplyDelete