You Cannot Drive

I was driving down the street today, minding my own business, doing 40 in a 40 zone, and I crept up on a man who was content doing 30 in a 40 zone, so I pulled around him and went back to doing 40. Like a normal human being.

There was an ever-increasing block in between us afterwards (because I was doing the speed limit and he was not) and then, suddenly, he FLOORS it and gets right up on my bumper and starts honking and going nuts and shit.

So I Brake Test him. (For those of you who are not members of the Future Felons of American, allow me to explain what a Brake Test is: When someone is riding your ass, you tap the brakes lightly and hold it. Not long enough to slow down, but usually it makes the person being a dick behind you slam on their brakes.)

So the guy slams on his brakes, realizes it was a brake test, and then GOES EVEN MORE NUTS. We pull up to a red light and he does the roll down arm motion.

I would like to stop here and say that if you want to be abusive and scream at me, that's fine. But don't make me participate in this berating. I mean, what did he expect me to do, excitedly roll down the window and look at his expectantly for like a free puppy and shit?

But I am an idiot. I roll down my window. And he goes OFF.

Now, I could have defended myself. I could have said that passing someone on a three lane road is perfectly legal. So is doing the speed limit. I mean really, I didn't do anything dickish to deserve this.

The psycho pauses to, I dunno, punch an orphan or something, and instead of defending myself,  I say the following:

"No one has touched your penis in a very, very long time, have they?"

And that little sentence up there? That flustered him so much that he rolled up the window and pretended like I wasn't there.

Seriously though folks, I am tired of the rich idiots that live in my neighborhood feeling like they can go at their own pace and that the rules of the road do not apply to them. Right turn out of the left lane? WHY NOT! GO FOR IT.

I cannot wait to move back to Chicago where the other drivers have the decency to shoot you in the face for not going at least 5 over the speed limit. Ahhh civilization!