I carry around a Moleskin notebook with me everywhere I go. In the last six months, I have decided to write in it when I am drinking/drunk. I will immediately write down if someone gasps or laughs out loud when I say something.
Without further ado, here are some of my comments from my less sober moments:
I am not speaking from experience here, but I think I would prefer anal sex to Diet Coke. At least I know what's in anal sex. Ya feel me ladies? Yeeeeah you do.
Ok, who do you think would get more pussy: Eric with his new sexy haircut (if he were back on the market) or Mr. Belvedere (if he were alive.) GO!
Eric: You're leaning towards Mr. Belvedere, aren't you?
Me: The man knows how to polish silver, IfYouKnowWhatIMean.
What does [friend's name here] do? She's in reputation management. I KNOW, I am surprised too. But there ain't a dollar amount large enough for her to manage the reputation of that whore of a sister of yours.
Ladies ladies ladies, remember the cardinal rule of soap: If it's good enough for your face it's good enough for your junk.
I would crack this bottle on the curb and use the jagged edge to cut up your face, but I fear that would be an improvement.
No, the difference between me and you is I am a little prick...
Me: She looks like the kind of girl that has wicked-awesome nipples! [said in a Boston accent]
Friend [Whispering]: I am sure she is glad to know that, and I am also sure she is glad she is stuck in this long-ass line less than five feet away from us.
Me: I stand by my first impression.
Friend: You have such a Southside accent it is crazy!
Me: I swear to fricken Ditka I will shove a sassage in your face and waterboard you with Old Style if don't shut your whorey mouth. We's south of Madison, so keep your Cubs-lovin' opinions to you-self!
Eric: Annnnnd you are now cut off, boozy.
Me: Is it because I took Ditka's name in vain?
Eric: Yes. Yes it is.
Ok folks, that's it. If you didn't understand a word of what I said in that last quote, well, I feel sorry for you. Because even Mr. Belvedere loves a good sassage every once in awhile.
[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="218" caption="Mmmm tasty sassage!"]
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Hilarious! I loved it. I'm stealing your idea about the Moleskin notebook taken everywhere with me when I'm drunk. Thanks for the inspiration.
ReplyDeleteHow funny! Funny stuff just happens to you. I've said it before: You never just have a normal day.
ReplyDeleteYou are so not kidding!
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE OBLIGATED TO NAME YOUR SON MAX!
ReplyDelete*ignores the cubs bashing.... as usual*
ReplyDeleteA) I wasn't Cubs bashing. I was slut bashing.
ReplyDeleteB) We were south of Madison, she should have known to keep her wits about her.
Well, the slut bashing is ok. then. and I have no idea what 'South of Madison' means... and YES I really DID grow up on the SouthSide and Yes, I STILL am clueless about Chicago. No Nia bashing now. ;-)
ReplyDeletei love it!
ReplyDeleteever since that night at bakers square I have been trying to get D to try diet coke ;)
This is the first blog post of yours that I read, but I like the cut of your jib, if you understand ancient mariner slang.
ReplyDeleteSo............maybe this is where the idea popped into your head about the bleaching of a certain body part/orifice . Just guessin' here.
ReplyDelete