Nerd Alert!

Recently I decided to start getting myself more organized. How? By throwing away everything I haven't touched in 3 months or more. Needless to say, there is a lot of tossing going on in my house.

Another thing I started doing is planning out my outfits for the week. And since I can never just do something, I have to make a big old thing out of everything I do, I got on the computer and got to graphic designing.

And just what does graphic design have to do with planning my outfits and getting organized?

Well, I made these:

I made these to hang on the hangers for each outfit for the day of the week. If, for some crazy reason, you don't like plaid, I also made some alternate outfit hang tags:

You can find all of them here, if you want to be a big bad dork and print them out on cardstock and plan out your clothes, like me.

Plaid:

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Solid Colors:

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

I'm All Fancy Part 2

(Scroll down and read part one first. Trust me.)

They kept serving me sparkling wine, and I kept drinking it. Listen, if it has bubbles and booze in it, I am all over it. Plus I had plenty of room to spare, seeing as there was this whole expanding panel/pocket thing going on in the front of my dress.

Then I realized something: I could drop food down my dress and it would end up in the pouch. I felt like a marsupial. A drunk marsupial.

In the end, I walked out of there with 12 rolls, 3 Heineken, and a bottle of sparkling white wine. It was a GREAT party.

I think it may be time to get rid of this dress. Orrrrr you know, I could always go to an all-you-can-eat buffet...

I'm All Fancy

Eric tends to force me to shower and shave my legs and then takes me to awesome dressy work outings.

I agree to go because they tend to serve shrimp AND steak at these events. And there is a usually a dessert table. OH YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE DESSERT TABLES I HAVE GORGED MYSELF ON. I eat my fill, and then the next day, when I have to roll myself out of bed, I start to feel bad about third world hunger, like a proper Methodist.

Recently I embarked on the "Great Crap Cleanout of 2010" and found a dress I wore to one of these events.

Let me just sidetrack myself for a moment and tell you about the Great Crap Cleanout. Once a year I throw away 90% of what I own. Actually, I usually donate it to charity, but you get the idea. I think I have stated many times before that I enjoy living in an environment that looks like no one actually does live there. Eric does not share this view, and enjoys not having his things thrown away on him, like a weirdo.

So, I am cleaning out my closet, and I run across a dress that fit me like it was a size 8 and I was a size 2. It was loose, it was comfortable, and boy, I loved that dress.

Right up until I got it home, tore the tags off of it, and found out it was a maternity dress. It was like the plastic-annoying-tag-attacher-thingie-ma-bobber was blinding me to the fact that this was a maternity dress.

Eric said I could not go buy another dress, seeing as we had only half an hour until the appetizers were going to be served, and you know what that means, right?

The bar opens.

Eric gave me a choice: I could be pretty in a dress that was not designed with a strange panel/pouch and we could miss all the freeze booze, or, I could be pretty AND drunk FOR FREE in a dress that just happened to have a weird panel/pouch that no one could tell was made for pregnant women.

I chose drunk in a maternity dress, thank you very much. He was right, the bar closes when dinner is served, and I hated his boss. If I was going to deal with that man, I needed to be TRASHED to do it.

I am going to save the remainder of this story until tomorrow. Trust me, it is GOOD.

WHY? THIS IS NOT FAIR!

It totally feels like -4 here right now. It is the middle of the night in Oslo, and it doesn't feel like -4 there. I feel so cheated.

Snippets of My Life

Said to my mother, over Yahoo Instant Messenger:

"OH YOU ARE ABOUT TO BLOCKED MISS WHORY MOUTH"

Said to me by Eric, when I came home from church on Sunday:

"So you all full up on the Holy Spirit or are you thinking about breakfast?"

People, it was a wild weekend... and many a breakfast was made.

Yes. Fist Pumps for All!

This is the most amazing video I have seen on YouTube in awhile.

I kept thinking "This has GOT to be fake!"

But it isn't.

Helen Keller

Ok, is it just me, or when someone mentions Helen Keller, do you instantly think of the movie where Helen goes around the table shoving her hands in the food and then shoving the food into her gaping maw?

No? Just me?

Every time I see someone eating with their hands, I want to say something like "Way to eat, Helen Keller!"

Is that a thing? It feels like it should be a thing.

I Cannot Stop Laughing

Here are some things that have made me laugh out loud in the last week:



And then there is this. As a gun owner, this makes me giggle.

This creeps me out. And...man, does it makes me glad I like guns.



This creeps me out something fierce (also - NicCageAsEveryone.blogspot.com is my new favorite website. Seriously)



And finally:

superpoop.com

Erin & I Have a Conversation

Erin: ANAL BLEACHING IS SO WEIRD. Can't even handle how strange that is.

me:  Right??? I was totally thinking it was something medical. BUT NO

Erin:  Well kind of, because you can get it done in a medical office, or I read something about a prescription

me:  Yeeeeah I don't think there is anything medical about that

Erin:  I find it very disturbing. I would also like to meet someone who has done that. Not like a porn star or anything, just a normal person who mid-conversation is like "Did you see the Patriots play last week? I once bleached my anus."

me:  Our conversations need to go on the internet. NOW.

___________________________________________________________

Erin: I  would like to lose enough weight by the time im 22 to be selected to go on the real world.

me: That show makes me want to shower - VIGOROUSLY

___________________________________________________________

Erin:  In all honesty, my parents would be more apt to believe I was going to spend a few months interning at the Tootsie Roll factory than they would be helping African children.

___________________________________________________________

Erin: I have my monthly goals:

1. stop single-handedly supporting Hershey by eating your weight in Hersheys kisses
2. get on your blog
3. figure out how to replace Peyton with a less sucky dog

me:  Those are some mighty fine goals

Enna Goes a'Googlin'

In the middle of the night I will spring out of bed and Google random thoughts I have had. Here are some of the things I have woken up and Googled:

1. How much dirt does the average human eat per year (Don't Google it. Trust me.)

2. What is anal bleaching? (Don't. You don't want to know. Especially not at work!)

3. The phrase "I hate Enna Stein." It turned up nothing. The only reason I asked is because of what people have said to me on my Formspring.

Wait, I need to back it up, don't I? I got myself a Formspring. It's a web platform that allows users to ask me anonymous questions. I have gotten a lot of good questions, but hoooooboy somebody out there hates my guts!

If you feel the need the ask me any questions anonymously, you can ask them here:

Formspring Me!

Most of the questions asked so far have been about Ira Glass because of the whole "getting semi-internet famous" with the Letters to Ira Glass website. (I say semi-internet-famous because, let's face it, I can't be really famous on the internet without getting naked. And no one wants to see that.)

One of those Diary Posts

This is going to be one of those delightful "diary-style" posts that I hate doing but seem to do all the freaking time. Sorry folks!

Friday I was driving to work in the morning. I gave myself extra time to get there because, in case you have been living under a rock (or in a different country,) there has been a large snow storm that covered most of the United States. Chicago got smacked with a lot of snow.

I am going to stop the story there and tell you that I am a hippy. I don't really drive. The ONLY reason I am driving lately is because the temperature has been in the negative digits consistently and Eric is just going to school, and therefore not needing the car.

So, I have been driving. Let me tell you, I miss my daily commute. I miss reading on the train. I actually have to make time for reading now.

Anyway, back to my diary post:
I am driving to work, and there is this hill right by my home. I start to drive down this hill, and I remember one important fact - Downers Grove is notoriously bad at keeping the roads clear when it snows. I slide all the way down the hill and spin into a ditch on the side of the road.

I slammed my head against the steering wheel, and smack my hand against the dashboard (the one with the already broken finger.) The airbag didn't go off, which means it was an impact under 20 miles per hour. I put the car in reverse, and try to pull myself out of the ditch. Instead, my tired are digging me deeper into the snow and my car is tilting forward and further into the ditch. I give up and start to call the police.

Before the police get there, the man whose "ditch" it is comes home...in his tow truck. That's right - I crashed into a tow truck driver's house.  He chains up my car, pulls me out of the ditch (which, as I found out after my car was out of it was a ravine) and then asks me if I was ok. This is when I start to cry.

"I hit my head" And yes, I said it exactly as you are imagining, like a four year old, and I think I actually did kick some snow in sadness as well. He said I looked ok, and that he didn't see anything wrong with my head. I went on my not-so-merry-way into work.

And yes, I called my doctor. And yes, my doctor laughed at me and asked me a bunch of questions, and then said I was fine.

You would think that would be a damper on my week, right? But no. I found out a good friend of mine does not have ovarian cancer.

That would have been awesome enough news on its own, but then I went and did something no one, least of all me, was expecting.

I asked someone who I thought hated me if they hated me.  Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought, but I went ahead and asked. What is the worst thing that could happen - they would say 'Yes, I hate you. Booyah bitchface!' Really, that wouldn't even affect me that much. It hasn't affected me this whole time - and I truly believed that this person hated me!

And that person said no, they don't hate me, and they never did. Which, to be honest, was surprising.  But I am inclined to believe this person, and it's always nice to know that there is one less person out there that hates me.

I mean, how many of you can say that one less person hates you, you aren't losing someone to cancer, and you survived a car crash into a ravine with no damage to you or the car?

Last week was a fantastic week!

Things I Should Have Done on Thursday

Yesterday I took the day off because it snowed like a banshee and my tires are getting to the bald stage of life and because these weirdos I work for actually treat me like a human being and give me personal days.

I know. I feel like an adult. It's weird.

Anyway, here is a list of things I should have done with my time off:

1. Cleaned by bedroom


2. Organize my files


3. Washed my dishes


4. Washed my laundry


5. Finished some freelance work (around 14 projects)

Here is what I did today instead:

1. Went jogging in 3 feet of snow


2. Watched 14 episodes of Medium and ate an entire box of Little Debbie Shortcakes, thus negating the hour and a half jog I did earlier in the day.

So, essentially, I did nothing with my day off. No, wait, that isn't true. I slipped and fell on my jog and broke my finger. Don't ask me to describe how it happened, I will only end up sounding like I have some messed up form of runner's epilepsy. I have the grace of a moose.

The Terrorists Just Won

Eric and I were in the car, waiting for a train to pass, when another train passes going the other way. Then a third train starts in the middle.

Eric: Man, this would be the perfect place to set up a bomb to blow up. I mean, if a terrorist could figure out when all these trains would be in the same place at the same time again, it would be the perfect terrorist plot - one of them is even a coal train!

Me: DUDE! Do you realize that TERRORISM is the ONLY real world application of that math problem that everyone has to answer in 5th grade. You know the one - "if a train leaves Baltimore at 7:30 am and travels at 92 miles per hour..."

Eric: DEAR GOD! That wasn't really an elementary school - it was a terrorist training camp!

Ahhh seriously though folks, I am going to end up on a No Fly list because of this blog one day...

Vacation

Sorry about the lack of posts, I have been on vacation for these last two weeks.

I am still not in "writing mode" yet. Mostly because I just spent the last two weeks relaxing, and then woke up this morning sick as hell.

THANK YOU FATE. You had two weeks for me to recover from any illness you threw at me...and I get sick on the last day.  Blerg.

Anyway, here's a comic: