Ten Things

1. I am now stalking the teepee to make sure it's not being used for children's campouts. If it isn't - I will be breaking and entering next weekend.

2. I now have blue fingernails. They are pretty cool, I must admit.

3. Most days my breakfast consists of a Coca-Cola and a multivitamin. You can tell I am an adult because I take a multivitamin. I was going to say you could tell that I was irresponsible because of the Coca-Cola for breakfast, but shit, compared to some of the stuff I do normally, that's pretty responsible.

4. There's a man in my building who is selling some prescription drugs. He put up an ad on the community bulletin board.  I don't have the heart to tell him what he is doing is illegal. PLUS I find it really, really funny that I know an 80-something-year-old drug dealer.

5. I did a full 45 minutes of yoga without farting once. There's gotta be a trophy for that somewhere on the internet, right?

6. On any given day of the week, I do not do my hair. When hairdressers ask me "What level of effort do you put into your hair daily?" To which I respond "Homeless. Is that a level? Because that is how it looks." Usually I just do this:

Yes, that is a pen holding my hair up. It looks like it takes effort. It doesn't. Trust me.

7. I am having dreams about events that happened in my life. Like, last night, I wandered around Cal's Diner in Worth, Illinois looking at all the crap on the walls (pennants, Midway Tickets, etc.) while my family ate. It was very surreal.

8. I am still amazed at my own ability to make terrible decisions regarding food. "Forty pounds of raw green beans covered in Tabasco? DON'T MIND IF I DO." "What's this stuff? Fermented oysters? I should pass, but we both know I won't, so send them this way."

9. I cannot get through a revolving door like a normal human being. There are countless black and white surveillance videos from downtown Chicago buildings where I run face-first into a glass door. I can do advanced mathematical formulas but I cannot manage to get inside a building without making an ass of myself.

10. I once had to introduce Eric, in Spain-Spanish, and I could not for the life of me remember esposo, or novio, so I asked a friend real quick, all subtle-like "How do I say fiance in Spanish? I can't remember!" and she replies "mi amante lesbiana" - which, for those of you not Spanically Inclined, it means "My lesbian lover."

Now whenever I think of this moment, I think of all the people of Valencia universally shaking their heads at me and thinking "you poor, stupid American."