Adventures in Babysitting

I ran into a girl I used to babysit. Or rather, she ran into me. I didn't recognize her, but she recognized me. Apparently I still look like I am sixteen. Which is good when it comes to showing up at parties and there are women there that I am not fond of (yeah bitches, I STILL look good). But it's bad when children you used to babysit recognize you in the middle of a movie theater.

My mother will remember these children - or specifically, this girl. I babysat for her family once - just once - and when my mother came to pick me up, the children ran out to say goodbye. I was already in the passenger seat of the car and they ran up to the window. My mother says I actually hissed at them - which is entirely possible considering we figured out later that day that they gave me strep throat.

Now, there are two things I decided to never do as a teenager, one of them was to scream "I hate you" at either or both of my parents because it would be so teenage cliche, but also because knowing my luck they would be dead by the next morning. The second one is honk the car horn exasperatedly at my mother while waiting in the car for her to finish a conversation.

I am hissing at the children, and I have one hand precariously placed on the edge of the steering wheel. Those kids tested my patience. That is how bad it was.

Whenever people ask me "Do you babysit?" I say "No, I don't know how to do the Heimlich on children who are choking."

But really, I want to say "I've seen a seven year old wipe his bare, shitty ass on a couch, contracted strep throat, and all for about $11. NO I DO NOT WANT TO BABYSIT EVER AGAIN."