Why Eric is Cranky Today

My fiance Eric's Facebook page, after he worked all night and slept during the day. It will explain why he is cranky today:

The fact that Eric and Joe Biden are friends should be enough of a joke in itself!

 

Frankie Says Relax

Come Bug My Family Where They Work

My sister Leah opened a book store, and you can become a fan of her store by becoming a fan on Facebook:

Old Towne Books and Tea

Promote Your Page Too

Feel free to stop in, ask her if I am as crazy as I appear on the internet (her answer "she's a flipping lunatic.") and BUY SOMETHING!

Thank you!

Totally Amazing Post

I was going to post this story, a TOTALLY AMAZING STORY...but then...

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My Purpose Has Been Fullfilled

Ok, if you are on Facebook (and I know you are) then you probably use LivingSocial's Pick Your Five application (and I know you do).

There is a "Pick your Top Five Anne's" and it was created in honor of me.

Here's the first one ever:


Question - would it be considered conceited if I filled this out myself?

New Career

How would someone go about getting a job on one of these?

Also - THERE WAS NOTHING INSIDE THE TEEPEE. Well, other than me. :)

Hooooooly Shit

1. I updated over the weekend. I know, I am mildly surprised as well. I have decided to be more free-flowing with my blog posts, and that way it will seem less like work, and more like a hobby.

2. I found her! I lost this picture awhile back, but I fooooound her!

Every time I work out, I think to myself "Yes Enna, you too can look like that chick who looks like she should be a Bond Girl."



Plus I really, really like her gun.

I sent this photo to my cousin, and he was like "NICE. And here's a picture for you, since we are now sending each other pictures of attractive people for no reason."

And he sent me this:



My response? "Hooooooooly shit. HOW DID YOU KNOW OF MY LOVE OF THE ESTRADA???!"

Because seriously, I fucking love Eric Estrada. Right down to his fucked up pinky rings. I always have, and I always will. There, I said it.

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of marrying Eric Estrada, and Mr. T would be the minister officiating the ceremony.

...

Wow, it feels like the 80s just vomited all over this blog. And that's quite enough vomit for a Monday.

Potstickers

I got home from church, took off my "church clothes" and sat down in my living room and ate the leftover eggrolls from last night in granny panties and a tank top.

Eric walks into the room, looks at me with food all over me and sauce on my face, shakes his head, and wanders into the bathroom.

What can I say, I dress to impress on Sunday mornings!

Ten Things

1. I am now stalking the teepee to make sure it's not being used for children's campouts. If it isn't - I will be breaking and entering next weekend.

2. I now have blue fingernails. They are pretty cool, I must admit.

3. Most days my breakfast consists of a Coca-Cola and a multivitamin. You can tell I am an adult because I take a multivitamin. I was going to say you could tell that I was irresponsible because of the Coca-Cola for breakfast, but shit, compared to some of the stuff I do normally, that's pretty responsible.

4. There's a man in my building who is selling some prescription drugs. He put up an ad on the community bulletin board.  I don't have the heart to tell him what he is doing is illegal. PLUS I find it really, really funny that I know an 80-something-year-old drug dealer.

5. I did a full 45 minutes of yoga without farting once. There's gotta be a trophy for that somewhere on the internet, right?

6. On any given day of the week, I do not do my hair. When hairdressers ask me "What level of effort do you put into your hair daily?" To which I respond "Homeless. Is that a level? Because that is how it looks." Usually I just do this:

Yes, that is a pen holding my hair up. It looks like it takes effort. It doesn't. Trust me.

7. I am having dreams about events that happened in my life. Like, last night, I wandered around Cal's Diner in Worth, Illinois looking at all the crap on the walls (pennants, Midway Tickets, etc.) while my family ate. It was very surreal.

8. I am still amazed at my own ability to make terrible decisions regarding food. "Forty pounds of raw green beans covered in Tabasco? DON'T MIND IF I DO." "What's this stuff? Fermented oysters? I should pass, but we both know I won't, so send them this way."

9. I cannot get through a revolving door like a normal human being. There are countless black and white surveillance videos from downtown Chicago buildings where I run face-first into a glass door. I can do advanced mathematical formulas but I cannot manage to get inside a building without making an ass of myself.

10. I once had to introduce Eric, in Spain-Spanish, and I could not for the life of me remember esposo, or novio, so I asked a friend real quick, all subtle-like "How do I say fiance in Spanish? I can't remember!" and she replies "mi amante lesbiana" - which, for those of you not Spanically Inclined, it means "My lesbian lover."

Now whenever I think of this moment, I think of all the people of Valencia universally shaking their heads at me and thinking "you poor, stupid American."

Teepee in Lisle

Someone in Lisle has a teepee in their backyard. I can see it from my balcony.

Question: Because a teepee is technically a home, is it breaking and entering if I go into that teepee?

Don't worry, I am only going into the teepee so I can do nefarious deeds.

Busy busy busy

Ok folks, I am taking the rest of the week off. I am trying to push myself to finish another book (or, a "real" book, if you will) so I am going to be busily working and unable to update my blog.

Ok, I could update, but it would be shitty, not well-thought-out updates...

Ok, so it would be EXACTLY like my normal updates. So sue me - I am still taking time off.

Maman and Daddoo - You're About to be Famous

Yep, I am going to submit everything you ever have said to us kids to this website right here.

Muhahahahahahaha... :)

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="220" caption="This blog post has been certified Magical."][/caption]

My Weekend In Pictures

Ok, Eric and I were supposed to go pick apples in Michigan this weekend. We do it every fall, and it's one of our favorite activities/vacations that we do together every year.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="351" caption="What I was SUPPOSED to be doing this weekend"][/caption]

But...my stomach got achy. I attributed it to some pills I was taking, because for the last week, every time I took one of these pills, it felt like I was being stabbed violently in the stomach.

So...Eric takes me to the doctor. When I say takes, I mean he whines and drags me to the doctor.

Where the doctor promptly takes my blood:

[caption id="attachment_1330" align="aligncenter" width="600" caption="You're thinking "Holy crap, she is so white she is almost see-through" And you're RIGHT."][/caption]

And the doctor starts doing that "feeling your abdomen" thing, and it is painful in one particular spot.

You know where this is going. They think my appendix might need to come out, but it isn't PAINFUL-painful yet, and the doctor thinks it might be a side effect of the pills, so we agree on the following:

1. I stop taking the pills

2. I call him daily with how I feel and I do not lie.

3. My appendix can stay right where it is unless the pain gets worse. The doctor thinks the pain is from the pills, and not my appendix, so he is reluctant to operate for no reason.

Number three makes my Mr. Appendix VERY happy:

[caption id="attachment_1331" align="aligncenter" width="600" caption="Happy Appendix is Happy"][/caption]

So...to make me feel better, Eric made me pancakes "Enna style" (with lemon and sugar on them), and bought me slippers.

And then he made me very happy. How did he make me very happy?

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="450" caption="Oh Vesper."][/caption]

That's right: BOND MARATHON!

I will keep you updated, but I already feel better. I know what will make me feel EVER BETTER STILL - if he puts in Goldfinger next!

Video Store Fun

Eric and I were walking around Blockbuster looking for a movie. I don't know why because he and I both know that I will eventually wear him down and we will get a James Bond flick (we ended up with Dr. No.)

There was a guy wandering around the video store making weird animal noises and chewing on the cord of his hoodie.

I lean over to Eric and say "I just want you to know, if I were dating him I would have stabbed him by now. True story."

"True story huh? That wasn't much of a story" he said, gently trying to nudge me past all the James Bond movies, hoping that I won't see them.

"What more do you want in a story? It has a beginning, middle, and stabbing. You're too hard to please, honestly. OH Hello Mr. Bond, fancy meeting you here!"

Eric just shook his head. He knew what was coming, and it was going to be shaken, and not stirred.

And now, on a completely unrelated note:

Ask Enna!

That's right internet friends - it's Ask Enna time. You can ask me anything you want (within reason, I don't have a million dollars so don't ask me for that. And if you're going to ask to have someone killed I need a damned fine reason or at the very least some lobster to warm me up to the idea.) So - is there anything you ever wanted to know?

(PS I Totally ripped this idea off from Sweetney.)

Adventures in Babysitting

I ran into a girl I used to babysit. Or rather, she ran into me. I didn't recognize her, but she recognized me. Apparently I still look like I am sixteen. Which is good when it comes to showing up at parties and there are women there that I am not fond of (yeah bitches, I STILL look good). But it's bad when children you used to babysit recognize you in the middle of a movie theater.

My mother will remember these children - or specifically, this girl. I babysat for her family once - just once - and when my mother came to pick me up, the children ran out to say goodbye. I was already in the passenger seat of the car and they ran up to the window. My mother says I actually hissed at them - which is entirely possible considering we figured out later that day that they gave me strep throat.

Now, there are two things I decided to never do as a teenager, one of them was to scream "I hate you" at either or both of my parents because it would be so teenage cliche, but also because knowing my luck they would be dead by the next morning. The second one is honk the car horn exasperatedly at my mother while waiting in the car for her to finish a conversation.

I am hissing at the children, and I have one hand precariously placed on the edge of the steering wheel. Those kids tested my patience. That is how bad it was.

Whenever people ask me "Do you babysit?" I say "No, I don't know how to do the Heimlich on children who are choking."

But really, I want to say "I've seen a seven year old wipe his bare, shitty ass on a couch, contracted strep throat, and all for about $11. NO I DO NOT WANT TO BABYSIT EVER AGAIN."

Put All Your Money in Hydrocortisone Stock Now

In keeping with my "over-sharing of my medical conditions and history" - let me tell you what is going on with my Quasimodo-esque life.

(I would like to point out that I am fully aware that the only people who will find this interesting is my mother and Nina. Sorry to the rest of you.)

I have always had really dry skin in the winter. I mean, I know people say they have dry skin, but I don't see them lathering up in olive oil every night so their skin doesn't crack and bleed the next day - which is what I do. Then, in the morning, I put sunscreen on my exposed parts, olive oil on my legs, and out the door I go. Yes, in case you were wondering - the answer is YES - I am a very greasy mess pretty much all of winter. If I know Chicago is heading towards really cold weather (single digits and below) I will put olive oil on my face as well.

Recently, and it hasn't even been cold here yet, I have been getting blisters on my hands around my joints, and along the sides of my fingers. There were a couple at first, which I attributed to the fact that I am a clumsy, clumsy girl and I probably burned my hand and didn't realize it.

Then I started to spread. Last week, pretty much every finger had a blister (or 15) on it. Then the blisters dried, and then started to flake and peel. Then my hands got really dry. Then the blisters started to reappear. I started slathering my hands in olive oil and putting on my gloves before bed. That seemed to do it. But, seeing as I live with Eric and his whole M-O is to get me to go to the doctor, I finally hauled my ass to the dermatologist. I found out I have dyshidrosis dermatitis.

By GOLLY this year has been GREAT!

The dermatologist told me to take a vacation (it's linked to stress. Yeehaw,) and get some hydrocortisone with aloe. So that is what I did.

I have never tried hydrocortisone before. THIS STUFF IS GREAT. And it doesn't smell like I thought it would. Can I just get a tub of this and slather THIS on my legs every night? I mean, it can't much more expensive than extra virgin olive oil, right?

So yeah, I am slathering this on my hands, concentrating on where my blisters are coming in yet again. I have to say, this has been a really weird year for me medically. If my left arm just dropped off of me in the middle of the night, I would be only slightly surprised. On the plus side - it would mean more hydrocortisone for righty!

Random

It's a Monday...eh...

Here are some threats I have said to Eric in the past month, usually jokingly (usually):

I am so going to fart into your coffee cup when you are not looking.

I'm baking a pie. It's made out of baby. Only I get to eat it, NO BABY PIE FOR YOU.

I'm a better drummer than you. Let that sink in awhile Mister, and contemplate the ramifications of THAT! (I really had no idea where I was going with this threat, it didn't even start out as a threat, but then Eric said it sounded like I could beat him down, in rhythm no less, and it suddenly and unintentionally became a threat.)

Random things I have thought about in the past week:

Crap almighty, you people make me want to climb to the top of a bell tower and start reloading!

That guy can eat a dick. Shit, he can eat a whole bag of dicks.

I wonder how far breast milk can spray? There HAS to be a competition around that. Probably in Germany. Germans are fucking crazy.

For those of you wondering, I don't really want an answer to that breast milk question - it was rhetorical. Also, my book is going up on Amazon by the end of next week, which means it will be sold world-wide, and from a reputable dealer. It also means that if you get a coupon code for Amazon you can use it to buy my book. This ALSO means I get to use the book cover I designed all those months ago. It also means that I can take print-outs of my sales reports from this reputable dealer and attach them to book proposals for when I market my next book - which is fiction (which means it's better than what I normally slap up on this site, all haphazardly.)

Which means I officially need a literary agent. Fuck me in the neck.

In other news, my cousin Tom sent me this link. He said my twin made a special TV appearance, and mercy did she. (Fair warning, there is swearing involved as well as Anti-Catholic Anti-Pope sentiment, also, my twin is Sarah Silverman, so yeah, if you have ever seen her comedy, you know what is coming.)

First There Was Etsy, Now There's Regretsy

Ok, I meant to add this to the link list yesterday, but this is the GREATEST SITE ON THE NET (this week). It's called Regretsy, and it posts weird things found on Etsy. IT IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK - unless your work is cool with you looking at vulvas all day long (strangly, mine is not.)

Here's a random safe-for-work post:



Yeah, hi, I have a question. Do you have any prints of children lying face down in giant, sulfurous puddles of urine? You do? Great, I’ll be right there.

Ahhh hell, let me give you another one (BECAUSE THAT IS HOW GREAT THIS SITE IS!)



I’m sorry, but this is terrifying. You want to give this to a child? I’m a grown woman and I want to lock myself in the laundry room. Seriously, when you’re following a pattern to crochet a placenta, you need a time out. Put this whole thing in the trash and go to Toys ‘R Us. Your kid is going to grow up to hate you anyway. Don’t rush it.

So Nina - can I have your address? I think I just found the PERFECT BABY SHOWER GIFT FOR YOU! (Kidding, kidding)

HAPPY FRIDAY FOLKS!

Warren Buffett

Last night I had a dream that I was playing Warren Buffett is a Scrabble competition.

He ended up winning, and took home the $1000 prize money. I was so pissed, I kept saying "Just take the fall Buffett! I need the money! You don't!"

He would hiss back through his teeth "But Enna, I need the prestige!"

He won, and he said he was going to use the money to make hookers fight to the death, and the winning hooker's prize was a chimpanzee. A gilded chimpanzee.

I was so mad that I punched Warren Buffet.

And that, my dear children, is why there is a fist-sized dent in the wall next to my bed.

Needless to say, the sleep/sedative pills the doctor gave me are doing jack and shit.

Linky Linky Loo

It HAS been a really long time since I have done a links post - thank you for noticing!

First up: Dumb inventions from the 40s, 50s, and 60s. That baby cage scares the shit out of me.

This sounds like something I would do.

For all those little things that make you say "It Made My Day."

I can submit easily 250 times to this site.

In the event you were wondering, I am currently rocking green nails as I type this. And no, they are not paying me to endorse them. Not yet anyway...HINT HINT.

I love Max Brooks. There, I said it. He wrote this fantastic book, which is in my top ten books of all time. I know Christmas/Yule/Hanukkah is coming up, and if you are unsure about what to get a male friend - GET HIM THIS BOOK. It is a total guy book.

Did you know Isaac Asimov died of AIDS? I sure as hell didn't. Seriously though, he is one of the people I have always admired, and I was completely and totally shocked. As was Eric.

And now, for Enna's final thoughts of the day:

Whenever you get a one dollar bill, do you ever think to yourself "I wonder if this has ever been in a stripper's asscrack?"

No? WELL YOU WILL NOW.

You're welcome.

Attempted Kidnapping

My friend Hogie lives in Oak Lawn, Illinois. I am only telling you this because that's about 45 miles away from where I live. And in Chicago traffic, that's like 1.5 hours.

I see Hogie walking down the street as I am on the way to the bank. I pull up to a stop sign, roll down my passenger side window and scream in a scratchy voice "HOOOOOGIE GET IN THE CAR NOW! THIS IS A KIDNAPPING!"

The guy, who coincidentally enough isn't Hogie, looks at me like I am insane. He literally jumps back and almost half turns, like he is about to run in the opposite direction.

Then I start to think "What is Hogie doing in the Western Suburbs in the middle of the day?" Uh oh...

Apparently Hogie has a twin that lives in the Western Suburbs. And apparently that twin thinks I am trying to kidnap him. But if you can't make an ass of yourself in front of your friend's Doppelganger, then who can you?

And now, for something completely different:

Your Parents Were Awesome. It's a website that is exactly what it sounds like.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="Fuckin' A Diane"][/caption]

Mick Jagger, Tequila, and $6

I had a really weird weekend. It was very surreal. First, I had the best Tequila I have ever had. EVER. Which would explain why the rest of the weekend was so surreal, really.

We went to go visit my friend George (yes, the same George of "hobo-fight" fame) and we parked our car in a parking garage (because George lives in downtown Chicago, and Chicago hates us suburbanites and makes sure that there is no available parking for free. Is it any wonder why we lost the Olympics?) So, Eric and I grudgingly pull into a pay parking garage, and head on over to George's high rise.

We get upstairs, and are promptly informed that there is a free parking garage across the street. It's free because it's the weekend and it's after six at night. So, my friend Denise and I hightail it over to the parking garage to get my car back out, and move it to the free lot.

The first 20 minutes in this parking garage is $5. I am excited about this because I am only going to have to pay five dollars, versus who knows how much if we left the car there while we hung out with friends.

And wouldn't you know it - it took myself and Denise 21 minutes to move the car. That extra minute cost me an additional $6. Not many people can say that they know the most expensive minute of their lives - but I can. It's was Saturday, October 3rd, 2009, at exactly 10:49 p.m.

My friend George bought my book. So, of course, he wanted it signed. It took me a little over an hour, but I finally realized what I should write in his book. I am not going to tell you what I wrote, but let's just say that Mick Jagger is one lucky S.O.B.

And finally, if you like people who actually know how to write (coughcoughnotmecoughcough) then check out my friend Blair's new poetry/writing site:  Poetry By Blair. Blair is pretty much the coolest Gen X'er I know, and I am working to try to get his words out there for him. Because, let's face it, we all had to start somewhere.

Completely Random Post

Ok, this has been making me laugh all day. I do not know why, maybe it's the expression on the dad's face, maybe it's the popped collar, maybe it's all the AquaNet, but I keep looking at his photo and laughing my ass off:

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="373" caption=""We're all here to wish Lori a happy birthday!""][/caption]

Happy birthday Lori! Best present ever, right?

And now, for a conversation between Nia and myself:

Nia: So I am thinking of having a group of friends reunion, since we're all scattered to the ends of the earth now.

Me: Sweet, Eric and I will totally come.

Nia: I am think of maybe holding it on December 21st, 2012.

Me: Yeeeeah, I think Eric and I are going to have to decline. Something tells me we will be heading to the center of Mount Norad. You know, JUST IN CASE.

Nia: Drats.

And finally, this was originally posted somewhere else, and I cannot find it ANYWHERE, so I went ahead and remade it:



Thank God it's Friday, people!