In case you didn't know, I was raised Catholic. Right up until the age of roughly 25, I was Catholic.
Then, I had a really weird dream about my dead grandmother where a Bible passage was recited to me and I was told to go to a specific church...and so I did. And at that church that very Bible passage was read again. Which lead me to becoming a Protestant. I would write down the whole story, but I fear it might not be interesting enough to post on a blog. Let alone a humor blog. But if you want to hear it just drop me a line in the comments and I will totally type it up for you.
ANYWAY - since I have become a protestant, I have been getting an influx of Catholic mail. Various Catholic organizations really want my money. They are also apparently praying for me. I am totally crediting my mother with signing me up for these mailing lists because it totally sounds like something that she would do just for the fun of it.
Not so subtle there Mom.
She knows I am kidding (maybe? Did you? I would really like to know.)
Having been raised Catholic, and having gone through 12 - count then TWELVE - years of Catholic school, I am now conditioned not to throw away anything that has an image of Jesus or Mary or a Saint on it. Which means there are now saint's images ALL OVER MY HOUSE. Including on my nightstand.
Some nights, I roll over and think to myself "Man, I just want to eat a brick of cheese. Maybe melt it up with some bean-less chili and just grab a wooden spoon and shovel it down my pie-hole."
And then I roll over and see an image of Saint Thomas and I have little conversations with him in my head.
"OH No Miss Enna. Do not be a glutton. I will pray for you!"
(And yes, Saint Thomas sounds like Aunt Jamima in my head. I don't know why.)
And then I roll over and go to sleep because I cannot get past the fact that people are starving in China and whatnot and therefore I shouldn't be eating 14,000 calories in one sitting in the middle of the night.
I need to get past this and throw this stuff away already. Maybe I should get some images of Martin Luther or John Calvin or John Wesley and have a little prayer-card face off. A mini-reformation in my own bedroom.
Annnnnnnd now I just sound crazy. Well, I am glad we had this little chat, Internet Friends!
To continue with the list (Part 1, Part 2):
51. If I had a little boy, right this very second, I would name him Rivers. Not River - Rivers. It's ok - Eric thinks I am insane too.
52. I wish Gain made a perfume. I would totally wear it every day (but I would probably stop washing my clothes. It would really be a trade off.)
53. I have been dealing with bouts of jealousy as of late. It's totally crazy - I am jealous of people I barely know.
54. I have kept a diary since as far back as I can remember.
55. The last person who told me they loved me (outside of Eric) was Leah. This may mean nothing to anyone else, but this was awesome.
56. I have been doing battle with myself the entire last year. Part of me screams "Life is too short! Have a baby/move across the country/get married/travel the world RIGHT NOW." And the other half of me says "Slow it down there lady, you have plenty of time. Plus - who would take care of your kids if you died?" (Probably Becki, in all honesty)
57. I am going to be one of those assholes that brings their kid EVERYWHERE with them. Work conference? BABY IS COMING TOO. Family reunion in Boston? BABY IS COMING TOO. On the plus side, it guarantees I will have my own hotel room. If you're wondering WHY - think about how I act when Eric isn't around - now imagine how I would act if I didn't know where my kid was at all times. Yeah. Not pretty.
58. I hate fluffy socks. It makes my feet feel like they are slowly and lightly being strangled by a muppet.
59. I do not use salt when I am cooking. I like to think I am secretly keeping Eric from a lifetime of heart disease.
60. I fricken Love Celene Dion. But I hated Titanic. Odd, I know.
61. I add hot sauce to everything. If I don't want to eat it - add hot sauce. It makes everything instantly better. Even tuna casserole.
62. I am seriously considering vegetarianism for the year leading up to my wedding. But dammit I love shrimp and crab and really any creature in the sea.
63. I secretly want to try eating a dolphin. Not like catching it and taking a bite out of it, more like finding a place that serves it. (I figured I should clarify)
64. Food really does taste better when someone else cooks it! I need to sign Eric up for cooking classes!
65. I totally wax my face.
66. I think that DQ Heath Blizzards are a gift from God. Seriously.
67. I pretty much only eat kosher processed meats...that is when I actually eat meat.
68. I got kicked out of the first high school I ever attended. I am actually PROUD of this fact. I mentioned it in the job interview once - and got hired at that job. That was at the previous job.
69. I have been hired at a job because I was the only white person to show up to the job interview. I took the job because I needed the money. This I am not proud of.
70. I can play the "Psycho" music on the violin. That is the extent of my musical abilities.
I think Mahi-Mahi is dolphin. Lots of seafood restaurants serve it. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to find after all.
ReplyDeleteAccording to Wikipedia, it's a fish, and not related to dolphin. But heck - it's a start!
ReplyDeleteI would love to see photos of the prayer card face-off...
ReplyDelete"And in this corner, Saint Christopher The Protector!"
For the record, I don't find it weird that you look to Saint Thomas for strength. In fact, it's admirable to read about people who "get" faith; 'cause I sure don't...
#56: It does not wean... almost everyday half of Ye Ol' Brain is "KIDS! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" while the other half is, "Are you INSANE?!"
#58: I am accepting fluffy sock donations as they are one of the only things that put me to sleep... though now that I'll be thinking of Grover eating my toes...
#59: Salt is overrated.
#61: You'd fit in well at Casa Mak. Not that you considered it, but if you had to...
#62: You could go pescetarian.
No thanks two and four legs. Yes please fins and gills. And extra veggies please.
I was ovo-lacto for years, then I moved to pescetarianism. Steak and I have reconciled our friendship.
Just make sure you're getting your protein and B vitamins... *cough* not that I'd know anything about THAT *cough*
#63: om nom nom nom.
You know... you wouldn't have to throw the stuff away, you could donate it to a local Catholic church that's having a yard-sale fundraiser. That way everybody wins, no?
ReplyDelete*68-I don't remember it as you getting kicked out of high school. I remember it as they didn't want us back because we couldn't keep up with the tuition. That was when I was off on an injury for almost a year as the doctors had to reattach most of my arm. It is so very true that the steel mills are a very dangerous place to work. The doctors didn't know if they would be able to save my arm but they did their best. The nuns knew this too. But the "good" nuns ("scuse me whilst I spit flaming nails) didn't want anything but their money let alone hear a true and horrific story about our financial and personal crisis.
ReplyDeleteThe schools for your siblings bent over backwards and offered more aid for us than necessary but that school didn't offer us squat. I tell everyone that story when I hear that they want to send their daughter(s) there and then watch their eyes bug out. I even went to the high school recruitment day at the grammar school and parked myself by the desk and blew up all sorts of prospective students dreams. They didn't deserve a person of your caliber and high standards and they are much worse off for not having you there. You are a good light and they really missed a chance to get to know the real you.
I remember very distinctly having a few dollars to put towards the mortgage or pay off your high school tuition. These funds came from my back vacation awards after the company that I worked for kicked us out. I did not have a job to go back to once I was able to return to work. That was all the money we had in the world. The funds didn't cover the mortgage that was three months overdue but it covered the tuition and gave us $16 to spare. Sister I Don't Give A Shit Just Pay Up told us that if we didn't pay, they you'd have to do freshman year all over again somewhere else. We paid up and put the rest in God's able hands. The other religious communities helped out in every conceivable way and I thank them everyday with prayers.
In spite of all that we said, all that we pleaded for, and for all the good they could have done, they turned their backs on us and said goodbye. They did offer you summer school for the algebra class and said that they'd be delighted to offer any other help that we needed. One person from your class of 25 passed but she got tutoring outside of the class. Everyone else failed because they hired an incompetent teacher. That kind of help is not needed, wanted or warranted.
If that's what the definition of being kicked out is, then wipe the dust from your feet, hold your head up high, move on and don't look back of give it another thought.
D'oh! Beat me to it.
ReplyDeleteYou should do a blog too, if you aren't already! This was some awesome commentary
ReplyDeleteAh, now my darlin' I see you've set your dear old Dad off again (what a passionate creature, he is!) And he's right, you've never been thrown out of a school, and to add to his comments, you were the only good-looking girl there (I took a look around while I had the chance). As for the religious tracts, NEVERNEVERNEVER. The Jehovahs are still pursuing me, after all. And when I get a blog of my own I'll be glad to let your readers in on thAt story. If the religious material is inspired by divine intervention, you DO have three great-great aunts who have passed over who were nuns you know. Perhaps Eric's Mom? Isn't she some big muckety-muck with the Archdiocese?
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of pescetarian before now! Holy cow! Or holy crab legs, since I am now a pescetarian.
ReplyDeleteGrover eating your toes...now I have that image stuck in my head.
True. I think I might do just this.
ReplyDeleteSee, I always viewed "politely asked not to return" as "your ass is booted out of our school"
ReplyDeleteAnd really, it got me a job, and some wicked Catholic school street cred, so I am not bitter at all.
But true, I was not expelled.
Mrs. Eric's Mom (I still need to think of a name for her on here) said she didn't do it either, but she is getting a kick out of it. I think it might be coming from the fact that Eric and I registered at a local Catholic church in the area so when it came time to talk to a priest about getting married we could list our church and say "Oh yes we are registered at St. Western Suburb's Parish!" And then I will say that I go to church every Sunday. I will not say that it is a protestant church.
ReplyDeleteThen we will probably celebrate this sin-of-omission with ice cream. I've found it's the best way to celebrate sinnin'.
Oh! I know what you can call Mrs. Eric'sMom! Call her Angela or Christine! Matches with her high christian charisma :-) See? Angel and Christ(ian) ;-) or if you want to focus on the Catholic part.... you can call here Universal Woman... or you can just keep saying Eric's Mom or "my soon-to-be-mother-in-law" Hmmmm.... stbmil.... St. Beamille?
ReplyDeleteSt. Beamille aaaaaay? I LIKE IT!
ReplyDelete#52 Yes.
ReplyDelete#59 But doesn't hot sauce have a heaping amount of sodium in it? Maybe I'm thinking of soy sauce.
No, you're probably right!
ReplyDeleteOr Mil, for Mother-in-law. I knew someone who never could bring herself to call her in-laws by their first names, so they became Mil and Fil--and they kinda dug it.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...see I am pretty ok with calling them by their first names...but I do like the Mil and Fil idea for the blog.
ReplyDeleteHey Enna,
ReplyDeleteBeen awhile. Congrats on the book deal... I'll have to search the blog to figure out when that happened and what I'm doing wrong with my life that I'm not publishing one myself.
I just had to relate to you my first experiences with religion: I think it was a Baptist church... This was in rural Texas outside of Austin circa 1974. Every Saturday a big red firetruck would come driving up the road with a clown riding on it. The clown would go door to door to all the houses where kids lived and offer the kids a balloon and some chewing gum if they would agree to come to Sunday school the following day in.
I fell for it a couple of times before I figured out it was not worth it.
And I've been a Godless heathen ever since.
I see you've been making a lot of numbered lists here recently. What's up with that?
Thanks. The book was a long drawn out process, I mentioned it a couple of times and then I was like BAM I have a book for sale go buy it! I should have been a little clearer about that.
ReplyDeleteThe list thing was just something I thought of. Here are some random-ass facts about me. Enjoy! Again, probably should have been clearer.
Wow. They BRIBED kids for JESUS? I mean, wow. I really don't know what to say about that. Plus you add in a clown? Why a clown? That is just all kinds of odd right there.
And a firetruck? WTF?
ReplyDeleteMeh, it was the tactics of those days... and they continued well into the 80s as well. I totally remember such things. Firetrucks and clowns and candy. If it wasn't a parade it was a salespitch of some kind. "Be Safe" "Look and Listen at Railway Crossings" "Watch out for Stranger Danger" and "Hey Kids! Look! I'm a clown and I love Jesus! Come see why!" ..... ok... so mebbe I didn't get the religious pitch in Chicago... but you get the idea, neh?
ReplyDeleteI guess my confusion is religion mixed with firetrucks and clowns. First of all - how are you able to use a city works vehicle for a religious organization?
ReplyDeleteThat's rural Texas for you.
ReplyDeleteWhen you think about it, a candy and balloon toting clown on a firetruck sent to teach you about a supernatural being makes about as much sense as a literal reading of The Bible might..
ReplyDeleteTo me - it would make MORE sense. At least I would sleep better at night then. I mean, if taken literally, my dad can SELL ME. I would rather have a firetruck and clown, thankyouvery much.
ReplyDeleteuhhh... I swear I put this reply somewhere else... where it actually made sense. I think I fell through a wormhole in the space time continuum.
ReplyDeleteHahaha. My blog is a wormhole of intelligence.
ReplyDelete