Books Stores and Superglue

I was talking to my friend Joe online (through Google Voice, for those of you who like to keep up on my correspondence methods) and I had this delightful little conversation:

Me: congrats on the bookstore!

Joe G : ??? What r u talkin bout Willis?

Me: Dude call your wife apparently you got the contracts for your book store. SIDE NOTE - if she was planning to surprise you DO NOT TELL HER I TOLD YOU. And PS act surprised.

Joe G : Way to ruin the surprise ENNA!

Me: It's all over Facebook! I...I...I didn't mean to ruin it! Now I have to go light myself on fire. SIDE NOTE - please stock my book in your new store.

And now, for something Nia said to me that made me stop and go "woah" (via Google IM, for those of you keeping up):

UncouthBrute: Hey Aimee Ceour! Do you know, this world is a better place because you exist in it?

And for your daily dose of my idiocy:

Me: Oh no! oh no oh no oh no!

Eric: What's wrong?

Me: I accidentally superglued my fingers together!

Eric: Which ones?

Me: Alllll of them! My whole left hand!

Eric: (wandering over to see the gluey mess I have made of myself) How on earth did you do that?

Me: Hmmmmppphwaaaahhhhhh

Eric: Why did you stick your fingers in your mouth?

Me: Uhhhhhgffff hffffg thhhhhppppf

Eric: Can you get them out?

Me: Hhhhhffffp

Eric: I am trying to heeeeeeeelp but I need to know if you can get your fingers out?

This story ends with me missing some skin from my lips. Somehow I thought the saliva would melt the glue. Maybe it was just the fumes doing the thinking for me, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

And no, I didn't ingest any of the glue. That would have been stupid.

Now where did I leave off on my list?

71. At any given time of the day or night, I could go for some grilled asparagus.

72. When one of my friends has an event/party, I act like someone's drunk aunt. I hang out with their mother in the kitchen, getting plastered, until Eric wanders in and finds me talking about some random abnormal growth on me or how "my damned kids are pieces of shit and never call" and then he whisks me away to a land I like to call "Shitty Soberville" I am usually back to being sober by the time dinner is being served.

73. I eat faster than any other girl I know (and most men). I have to consciously tell myself "Slow it down there Enna, it's not a race. Nobody wants to test out their Heimlich skills tonight."

74. I also get hiccups rather frequently.

75. I listen to way too much NPR.

76. I am still getting rejection letters from jobs I applied at while I was unemployed. Every time I get one, I stick it on the fridge, like it's a paper with an 'A+' on it. I beam with pride and think to myself "That's right, I may not have been chosen, but by God the city of Manteno considered me. And they were kind enough to spend the money on postage for a 'Dear John' letter to me!"

77. I dated a guy named Paul once. Paul's grandmother knew me when I was a wee child, and still to this day tells him "I'll bet Enna is doing something really exciting and enterprising! That girl is going places! You should be more like her." And now I secretly think that all my ex-boyfriend's grandmothers say that about me. Thanks Mrs. O - you really inflated my ego. No one needs to tell that woman that I am now writing about how I am stupidly gluing my fingers together and then gluing my hand to my mouth. Let's just keep that between us, Internet Friends.

78. I took sewing classes as a child. Go ahead, let the mocking begin.

79. A fun Saturday night activity for Eric and myself is sitting around playing Oregon Trail. He insists on frequent stopping and rests, and I insist on letting the children die of dysentery because then I do not have to feed them. For the record, I have the high score.

80. Whenever possible, Eric and I will drive instead of fly. Partly because I am not fond of things I cannot land safely in the event of sudden-pilot-death, and partly because it's just so much more fun than sitting in an airport hearing announcements and feeling useless and eating way too much over-priced Cinnabon.

81. I yell "Moo" out the car window at not just cows, but pigs, buffalo, ostrich, and horses that I see on road trips. I restrain myself around cops and the Amish. Cops because they can beat me with a club legally, and Amish because they make one helluva rocking chair!

82. Many of my lifelong goals have already been accomplished: Visit a Waffle House, Visit a Tim Horton's, walk in the ocean, visit a different country, go somewhere tropical, visit Disney World, publish a book, etc. I also feel like I should make a new set for the next 30 years of my life. It's almost as though I didn't set my goals too high.

83. I am addicted to Metropolitan Home. Those houses are downright sterile and works of art in their own right.

84. I want a really big dog. I will name it something like Custard or Melons (note the 'S' people!) or Straw or Spare Change I Found In The Couch Cushions And Bought A Dog With. I think we can all agree I need to legally sign away any and all naming rights I have to Eric. It's for the best.

(You are totally picturing me putting up a lost dog poster that says "I lost my Melons! Call xxx-xxx-xxxx if you find her!" right now aren't you?)

85. I roleplay. Like - the Dungeons and Dragons kind of roleplaying. I KNOW. Now you know my most shameful secret!