Recently, I was at a friend's house, and I was hit with a bout of diarrhea (I swear, this little over-share has a point! I am not telling you about my bowels for no reason whatsoever.)
So, I am on the toilet, clutching my stomach, while my friend searches for some Imodium or Pepto or even sidewalk chalk.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see something large and colorful moving. Less than a foot from my head is the largest spider I have ever seen. And it's colorful - like colors that you would not normally find the in midwest. It was a large black spider with orange spot-like markings on it's back.
"Hey, uh, do you remember what black widow's look like?" I ask my friend through the door, voice all shaky, because I cannot stop my bowels but I am beyond scared of what is right next to me - probably looking at me thinking to itself "I would eat that girl, but she smells terrible."
"I am pretty sure they are black and red, and they have some sort of pattern on their backs." She replied.
"Ok, can you come in here?" I ask, knowing full well the answer is no because I have yet to be able to control my bowels.
"I know we're like sisters and all, but no, I haven't seen my brother pee." She replies, just outside the door, which really, to me is like watching me poop ANYHOW but I digress.
"Can you send your husband in here with a really big shoe?" I was thinking, hey, why the heck not. This cannot get anymore embarrassing, right?
"Dude, no. Just...no. Don't ruin women for him. He doesn't know we use the bathroom." She said in an almost whisper.
Then I notice the spider is sticking it's front legs out forward, towards me, like it is feeling how far away I am. That was it for me - I decided to hold it and hightail it out of there. Her husband came in and smooshed it with a shoe, which was nice, but he did get a one-liner in on me:
"Damn Enna, I think that poor spider was already dead from the smell."
Moral of the story: Check the bathroom if you can before having a serious bout of diarrhea, otherwise you will be ribbed for your fear of spiders until the end of time.
You tell him this: Just what the hell else did you think we girls hired you for? If you can't kill one critter for us without any comments from the peanut gallery, you're fired, and I'm finding a new non-worthless husband for my friend. Dammit.
ReplyDeleteSo... that Spider you made for us a while back... it was all a FARCE?? Now I am heartbroken.
ReplyDelete*laughing her anterior to nothingness over the story*
There is no worse place to be caught alone with a spider. In my case it seems like the little bastards hide in the shower drain, just waiting for me to come in.
ReplyDeletePoop jokes. Will they ever get old? That's why I renamed the dogs to Farty McPoopinheimer, Buttweasel and Stinky Wad the Poop Tornado.
ReplyDeleteOH THAT IS FREAKY. Now I need to go pour some bleach down my drains...
ReplyDeleteIT WAS A FARCE! No, actually, it wasn't real. I can handle the not-real spiders...
ReplyDeleteRight? We didn't need any jars opened at that exact time, he should have done his job!
ReplyDeleteYeah...someday they will....hopefully I will no longer be blogging when that happens though!
ReplyDelete