One of my friends works in an ER in a city that is not Chicago, and she has a special open letter I would like to share:
Dear Forces of the Universe:
I am so so so glad that I am up to my neck in student loans so I could have a wonderful job as an ER Nurse. Especially when people come in and avert their eyes when they try to tell me what is wrong with them. Whenever someone comes in and does this, the nurses at triage watch to see if they will sit down. If not, they invariably have something stuck in their ass that shouldn't be there. And I will invariably have to dig it out of there before my shift is over. The Ass Brigade never comes in at the end of my shift, always at the beginning. Yes, I am sure you "accidentally" sat on that and it got wedged in there.
Actually, let me defend one guy. He came in, all freaked out, with a GI Joe or some action figure of some sort sticking halfway out of his ass. He slipped on one his kid's toys and fell getting out of the shower. He didn't know if he could pull it out safely, and was genuinely freaked out. That guy had the one in a million shot and seriously didn't know what to do. THAT GUY was telling the truth. The rest of you are just freaky-deaky.
And then there's the people who, I swear, don't even put any effort into their lies. I am so sure you got syphallis from the shower at the gym. Wait, was "Shower" her name? And don't worry, I won't be calling your wife. That's the health department's job!
And then there's the woman who came into the ER and acted like a bitch to me because I was not a doctor. Guess what sweetie? You don't GET to see a doctor. Your doctor would not help you, so you came here. Let me break down why no one will help you: YOU ARE INSANE. No, there is no way your husband could have somehow switched his sperm with another man's. I realize twins do not run in your family, but guess what? You're pregnant with them, so I guess it runs in your family now! But thank you for bringing your husband's hairbrush and asking me to get a doctor to check your fetuses for a DNA match. County hospitals do not have DNA facilities on premises. Shit, PRIVATE hospitals don't either. But let's get one thing straight: Either you are insane, which is why I turned your case over to CFS, or you cheated on him and want to know before it's too late. Either way, you wasted TWO HOURS of my time. Then you insulted me on top of it.
And finally, to the mother who came in with her child and sat down, calmly filled out the paperwork, and then sat back down and waited. The triage nurses got to your paperwork ten minutes after you filled it out. YOU are the ONLY person who is allowed to scream and throw shit at us, but you didn't. Your kid had a serious head injury, and you should not have been as calm as you were. But you said you were being polite and didn't think it was that serious. Let me break it down for you: If you kid falls head first off his bike, and his eyes roll up in the back of his head and he can't speak coherently CALL 911! FUCK POLITE!
Thank you all for listening,
[Name Redacted to protect the idiots with stuff crammed in their asses]
This makes for good reading on a Monday morning when many of us are returning to jobs that we (think we) dislike
ReplyDeleteI cannot explain my feelings on this. It is somewhere between hilarity and wanting to explode idiots. ;-) Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteRight? My job doesn't involve me using KY on a daily basis, so I am going to count my blessings!
ReplyDeleteI am just trying to make your day brighter one butt story at a time!
ReplyDeleteMy job does imply use of KY on a daily basis, and sometimes they can't get the foreign object out without anesthesia, so guess who they call? ME!! I once removed a foot-long dil.do from a 300lb biker. Seriously. He told me he'd been working on his car then had to go inside....
ReplyDeleteWow, this is all so true!
ReplyDeleteI used to work as a secretary at a doctor's office, and in the evenings and weekends we fielded phone calls for the nurses to triage. At least 80%, if not more, of the people calling their doctor's office at these times are completely off their rocker! They cannot understand why their doctor cannot see them immediately at 7:00pm on a Tuesday night when they don't have anything serious enough to be going to the ER for.
I had one guy that called me back at least three times one afternoon because he wanted a nurse to talk to him immediately, he had cut his finger almost two weeks ago and now it didn't feel right. He couldn't comprehend why this was not an emergency to us!
I can only imagine the crazy that goes on in an emergency ward.
LMAO! My friend gets stuck doing it because she has "little hands" aka she is low man on the totum pole. It never ceases to make me laugh the stuff she pulls out. She said she is going to start giving the objects as gifts to people she hates.
ReplyDeleteI was tell her about my job and how much I enjoy it and she was like "WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?" And then I remind her how much she gets paid and she was like "It's not enough. It's just not enough!"
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