I'm French

I have been growing my leg hair out. (Bear with me here people, but you might want to put down what you are eating.) When I say "growing my leg hair out" I mean it's been a week and a half. I wanted to try waxing my legs again.The last time I tried it I was 20 and not drunk enough. But I had a brand new bottle of vodka calling me, and I thought, what the hell! I'm a glutton for punishment!

I waited until How I Met Your Mother was over, and out the door I went. On the way to the drug store, the "get gas you idiot" light comes on in the dashboard, so I think to myself "I will just get gas after I get my 'anti-yeti' wax."

I get in line at the drug store, gallon of wax in hand (I am not even kidding), and go to pay. I just got my new debit card 2 days ago in the mail. I activate it the next morning. I do not use it. That is, until last night,when trying to buy leg wax.

It gets denied.

This is puzzling to me, as I am pretty darned sure I have money. I mean, there's a possibility that I do not. That's always a possibility! But I am almost 100% sure I have at least $200 in my checking account.

And I am pretty sure my tub-o-wax is only $9. So...yeah, the math is not computing. My leg hair is literally quivering with joy at the thought that they will be allowed to grow free...free and blowing in the wind! Imagine my French-heritage leg hair laughing "huh heh heh! You're not fully French unless you can braid it!"

Let me tell you - I am days away from that point.

So, I do the only thing I can think to do - I bust out my check book. I write a check for $9 leg wax. I can see the cashier's thought bubble above her head. It says "BOOOOOOOING!" Because she thinks it will bounce.

I can also see the thoughts of the guy who is standing behind me in line "Bitch sure does need that wax, doesn't she?"

Do you write checks? I have written a lot of them in the last couple of weeks - because someone stole my debit card number awhile ago. It feels like eternity while you are writing them. The people in line behind you all have these looks on their faces that say "You look like you're 17! Why are you writing a check?! 80 year olds write checks! WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE A DEBIT CARD?"

Apparently, I will be writing checks again soon.

See, I thought that the drug store was a fluke. Maybe I put my new pin in wrong. Maybe I did something wrong.

I pull into the gas station. I try my debit card at the pump. It gets denied. I go into the gas station. I try it at the checkout. It gets denied.

I pay for gas with $4 worth of laundry quarters I have on me.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to pay for gas with quarters?

ALMOST as embarrassing as asking a gas station attendant if I can pay with a check and being laughed at and told no. Almost.

I get home. I check my account. Someone stole my debit card. I am not even kidding.

And if that didn't SUCK enough, I sliced my finger open when cutting a lemon. And the lemon got into the cut.

So, I guess the point of this is - when life hands you lemons - try not to get the juice into the gash in your finger.

And now, to continue with my little list:

25. Apparently I am getting a tattoo. Thanks Lori and Nina!

26. I still have very long leg hair. I figured that I punished myself enough for one night.

27. I wax my arms and have for easily a decade now. I don't know what color my arm hair even IS anymore.

28. My hair is growing in with white patches. However, my bangs are growing in straight up RED. Like Ginger Kid red. I may not cover the grey as quickly as I should, but I will straight up sharpie my bangs to cover the red.

29. I kind of want to play hockey. I think that would be an awesome sport to play.

30. I have an obsession with backyard cocktail parties in the summer. If you invite me to one, I will close it out, guaranteed.

31. I look absolutely terrible in sportcoats. It has to do with the fact that I have very broad shoulders for a girl.

32. I loathe getting dressed up. I am a t-shirt and jeans kind of gal.

33. I do not understand darts. I don't get the appeal of it. Why would I want to throw a dart when I can just SHOOT the target with my gun?

34. I would sleep with the fan on and the windows open if I could. But the sleepwalking kind of hinders that.

35. If someone ever hosts another Woodstock, I am going to it. No question.

36. I feel that I have more faith now than I have ever had in my entire life. Combined. And it wasn't the bad stuff that made me find faith.

37. All the furniture in my house is even there because other people insisted upon it. I would literally have a pillow in the middle of the floor and nothing else in the room. I am big on minimalism.

38. I shed. A LOT. I lose so much hair my doctor once asked me how I am not bald.

39. Fall is my favorite season. It smells like possibilities to me.

40. I hate buying dresses. I go in knowing I will buy a black dress, and I leave with a black dress. Why do I need more than one? Why can't I just wear ripped jeans to this black tie event, Eric?

41. I have driven a race car around a track. I was so nervous I almost peed myself.

42. I have owned 5 pairs of Crocs in my lifetime. FEEL FREE TO SCORN ME!

43. For the first time in my life, last week, I bought an umbrella. I think this officially makes me an adult.

44. I sew an awful lot of quilts. If you want a quilt, call me. No, for real.

45. I have trouble handling ping pong balls. I can't get my hands around them easily. They annoy me.

46. I start piano lessons in February.

47. I drink easily 12 ounces of iced tea a day. It has officially risen to addiction status.

48. I do not drink coffee - I drink a can of coke in the morning to wake up.

49. I have a think for elephants. Eric has a thing for buying me elephants.

50. I am addicted to religious history shows. Anything on the History Channel, really.