Sallie Mae Needs to Shut Her Hillbilly Pie Hole

I got a text today from a number that is eerily similar to Sallie Mae's. If you don't know who Sallie Mae is, she's that obnoxious bitch who sounds like an innocent pigtailed hillbilly girl but really is a succubus who has a real hard-on for my tax return money. She's the whore who lends money for college. She's the lady who keeps threatening to break my thumbs, legs, and any other appendage she can get ahold of.

So, when I get a text from a number that is eerily similar to hers asking me what my address is, I reply back:

Who is this?

And when I get no reply, I send another text from my new Google Voice number:

NOT TODAY SALLIE MAE! You think you can get my address that easily?! HA! You lending whore!

Then...I found out it was my cousin. And then I felt all bashful and apologetic. But old girl Sallie Mae is a tricky one. She sent Eric something saying they were going to put a lean on his house for my debt, at which point he promptly called them up and ...well...let's just say if you work for Sallie Mae's customer service I probably owe you ONE HELLUVA  APOLOGY. He was not nice, to say the least.

I mean, I am paying her, I cannot understand why she is being so persistent...

OH RIGHT. I didn't pay her the entire time I was unemployed. I had forgotten about that. Well, she's getting her money now. But I hear weddings to your cousin can really cost a mint, so I guess she wants that back money too...

PS I have a Google Voice number! It's the greatest thing EVER. No, seriously, it is. When you call my google voice number, it rings every phone I have. Plus I can call anywhere in the US for FREE and send texts through it for FREE. GREATEST. INVENTION. EVER.