Since I sustained a pretty devastating blow yesterday (not physically, keep those abused woman brochures to yourself, thank you) I am just going to post conversation snippets I have had recently.
Eric walks in the door after work to find me on the floor sleeping: "So, stressful day?"
Me: "Nope, just day-drinkin' again. The bubbles were going out of this champagne."
Eric: Glad to see you still have priorities. Good game kid.
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Me: Your mom called today
Eric (obviously not paying any attention) Oh that's nice.
Me: She wanted to borrow my white plastic hooker boots.
Eric (obviously still not paying attention) Well I am glad you had a nice talk.
Me: I am pregnant.
Eric (whipping around) THAT'S NOT FUNNY TELL ME YOU ARE JOKING.
Me: I'm joking - but now you're paying attention aren't ya?
Eric: No, now I am having a heart attack.
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Friend: ...so I found porn in his computer desk.
Me: Dude, this is so vanilla, I have seen American Apparel ads more racy than this. *googles the American Apparel ad where it looks like the girl is having sex - YOU KNOW THE ONE* Here, look at this.
Friend: WOAH I'll bet her mother is proud of her!
Me: Can I make origami cranes out of this porn? I will try to make the vagina's the beak. We can leave them around the house! For luck, of course!
Friend: Where do you come up with this shit?!
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Older Sister: So I came by your house, but I forgot my cell, and I know your buzzer doesn't work, so I just kind of stood around the back lot trying to grab your attention. Then this old guy came up to me, and he was this super close talker, but he kept staring at my chest. It was the creepiest thing ever.
Me: It's because you're still breastfeeding so your ta-ta's are large and an awe inspiring masterpiece and a credit to God Himself.
Older Sister: I stand corrected. THAT WAS THE CREEPIEST THING EVER.
Me: Don't be so uptight. It was a joke!
Older Sister: ...are you Day Drunk?
Me: YOU KNOW IT! This champagne is going bad..the bubbles...
Older Sister: It's 11 a.m.!
Me: It was ...going bad quickly?
Older Sister: Sweet Jesus you need a job.
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Eric: If you keep posting about day drinking on your blog people will think you're an alcoholic.
Me: Well then, at least I will have accomplished something in 2009!
I'm sorry your yesterday sucked so totally!
ReplyDeleteBut, you are pretty funny... is second city hiring? (are they even still in chicago?)
Oh, wait for it, "At least you don't have kids!"
*eye roll*
SOMEONE ASKED ME THE OTHER DAY IN A JOB INTERVIEW IF I HAD KIDS. I was like "No...and before you ask I am a Methodist." I figured I would go ahead and cover all the things they weren't allowed to ask in one go.
ReplyDeleteSecond City is still in Chicago, but sadly they are not hiring...
Haha nice one Enna! You should try to scare Eric more often.
ReplyDeleteYou're only an alcoholic if you go to meetings. So lets call you a drunkard! Thats a more entertaining word, anyway. It makes be think of Casablanca.
ReplyDelete"What's your nationality?"
"I'm a drunkard."
"That makes Rick a citizen of the world!"
I'll join you in your day-drinking. I've got a fat lot of nothing going on myself.
ReplyDeleteWe shall make a club! The Dirty Day Drinkin' Broads Club! This must be so!
ReplyDelete...that might kill him though...and that would make me very sad and VERY drunk all the time.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking I should put on my business cards "Professional Lush" I think it has a nice ring to it!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your devastating blow. Sounds serious. Hope it works out.
ReplyDeleteAs for Second City not hiring... I call bullshit on that. When it comes to a performance gig they want people who can perform. If you went down there an blew their doors off they'd "hire" you. So get cracking. I saw on the extras of the SLN best of Will Ferrell dvd that his audition for the show was him acting like a grooming cat. How freakin' hard could it be?
I've recently revived my blog with a few new posts. Be warned though. Some of my content is, shall we say, troubling.
I usually don't like to overtly explain my goofy little New World Order Family Circus cartoons because half the fun is people not knowing whether or not to take them seriously. But I did one recently where Jeffy comments on the logical disconnect between his father's views on Creationism and his racist views... Let me just say I'm not an evil racist. I'm trying to make fun of evil racists.
It's a fine line.
Also, the posts about David Carradine are there because I noticed one day as I was logging in that 3 of the top posts of the day were about him and I suspected ghoulish behavior, so I decided to do a little experiment. Suffice to say that ambulance-chasing gawkers are good for blog traffic. Lots more people want to see photos of dead people than want to read my blog.
enna. signs have pointed to this for years.
ReplyDeletewe know you're an alcoholic.
Ironically - I just restarted drinking after taking awhile off. I am the oddest alkie ever.
ReplyDeleteI might show up with a cat in a box and attempt to groom it, if that doesn't get laughs then I do not know what will! I might just call their HR person and ask...
ReplyDeleteI think you'd have as good a shot as anybody. You're funny. Granted, there is a little bit of difference between writing and performing, but if you could work up some characters based on what you are already familiar with (the whole job search thing seems like a great source for material) I bet you'd slay them.
ReplyDeleteThe main difference between all these famous celebrities and the rest of us is that they went for their dreams and didn't give up. Some folks enjoy the journey. Others take one look at the path and give up because the odds are so long.
I took up screenwriting mostly because when I would turn on the TV I'd say to myself over and over, "somebody got paid for this shit."
The main difference between a screenwriter and us is they write screenplays and we only think about it. Well, that and connections and sales and money.
But if you enjoy what you are doing, then that other stuff will follow in time, and even if it doesn't and you're enjoying yourself then the journey is its own reward.
How do you break into writing screenplays? Like - did you write one and then get an agent? Or how does that work?
ReplyDeletePerhaps I overstated my success in this screenwriting thing... I've only just started getting into it really. No agent. Never sold anything yet.
ReplyDeleteI've got one finished script and a couple more started. Once you start doing this you'll hear pretty quick that you need two or three finished scripts before you even THINK about seriously shopping them around. And there are lots of killjoys that will tell you the first seven scripts you write are going to be total crap. So doing the math you would need to write ten screenplays to really be ready to try to break into the biz. I say screw all that noise. I write mostly for myself at this stage of things anyway.
But I'm the last guy to ask how to do it. I've not followed the official recommended process on how to do any of this. They tell you to outline your script on 3x5 cards and whatnot. I just wrote mine straight through. I'm also on a whole different timeline. Some folks I talk to bust these things out in 3 or 6 months... Me, I'm lucky to have squeezed out just the one in the last 5 years.
If I had one bit of advice to save somebody a whole lot of time it would be to get The Screenwriter's Bible by a guy named Trottier. Pretty much the last word on the subject and answers just about any question you might have. Also, get yourself a screenplay writing software so you don't have to worry so much about the formatting.
If you check out my blog there are some posts about BEER TRAIN which is the script that I wrote... We shot a few scenes of it to try to put together a promo package to raise money for the actual production.
... But to more directly answer your question: I think lots of folks just sell themselves until such time as they really need an agent. You don't have to have one to make a sale. But then you are doing all the work.
ReplyDeleteTrue. At this stage, I think I am going to just shop myself out to magazines as a featured columnist. I am much better at short essays (hence the blog) than long stories or screenplays. Plus it is easier to break into that industry than, say, the film industry. But thanks for all the info!
ReplyDeleteThat's the best time to drink!!
ReplyDelete