Texty-La-Roo!

The problem with being unemployed is you never leave the house. Hence, I tend to send a lot of texts to friends, and they tend to text me a lot, as they are bored at work/school/home.  Here are a random snippets of conversations I have had sent to me over the last month:

My co-worker keeps farting, and it keep smelling like strawberries.

Maybe we should start a company that cleans up corpses after crimes. You like the smell of rotting flesh, don't you?

What the hell just happened?! WAS IT SUPERMAN?!

They took more blood. I asked them to look for the bitch gene, because if they took any more blood, I can guarantee I would develop the bitch gene, and no one wants that.

Can we make s'mores at your wedding? ALL THE COOL KIDS HAVE S'MORES AT THEIR WEDDINGS.

I obviously care WAY TOO MUCH about what may come out of your vagina. Please do not put that on your blog.

Yeah yeah, I know. It's what you, my grandma, and Tupac all have in common.

I got you a chocolate Jesus for Easter. But then I remembered you don't like chocolate. Or Jesus.

If society collapses, I am eating your parent's dogs. Even if there is still food available.

It smells like Kentucky in here.

Sorry, I had to go away for a second, I had to pull string out of my son's butt. It was four feet long.  Well, that certainly wasn't something I ever thought I would write over AIM.

I had a dream last night that I went shopping for shampoo, and there was nothing but jars of cow urine for sale in place of shampoo. At every store. And people kept looking at me like I was too uppity because I wouldn't run cow urine through my hair.

Did you see someone else hopped into a polar bear's area of a zoo in Germany? The bear is mauling her and she has this look on her face like "Let's just hug it out man! HUG IT OUT!"

Dude, no way, I hate hanging out with her! Every time we all get together I find out some new, horrific sex act that I never before knew existed. And then, without fail, some dude will ASK ME to perform that very sex act within a week. She's like the little girl from The Ring of terribly weird sex acts!

Your man's part is spectacular! I always secretly tell my hair "do that! be like that!" whenever I am around him!

Dude, if you ever need something to blog about, I will give you a list of what I have pulled out of men's asses. IN THE LAST WEEK. It's a four page single-spaced list. The list will start with today's: 14 Lego Men. LEGO MEN!

Happy Thursday folks! I hope everyone has a great almost-Friday!