Bless Me Father For I Have Sinned

(Disclaimer: if you are Catholic, you might find this post a little ...insulting.)

The last time I went to Confession I was in fifth grade. I was all of 11 years old, so my confession was a delightful mix of "I lied to my mother" and "I took a cookie when I should not have" and my favorite "my father is a protestant."

That last one? HOLY MERCY that garnered me a lot of Hail Mary's. "Have you tried to convert your father?" "No Father, I thought that went against the fourth commandment?" "No, and you will both burn in hell for these sins. Your father for being a protestant, you for not showing him the errors of his ways."

So yeah, I always knew that going into confession was going to be an uphill battle, no matter what I did. The last confession I did, however, was the worst. Which should pretty much explain why I never went back.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned, it has been 6 months since my last confession.

Priest: So you only go when the nuns force you to, huh?

Me: Yes sir.

Priest: YES WHAT?

Me: ...yes Father?

Priest: That's right. Anyone can be a sir, it takes a special person to be a Priest.

Me: Sorry sir. I mean Father.

Priest: Tell me, what are your sins?

Me: I stole cookies, I lied to my teachers, I lied to my parents, and my father is a protestant.

Priest: Tell me something - have you gone to a protestant church at all? What religion is your father?

Me: Yes, and he's a Lutheran.

Priest: Do you know what would happen if you died in a car crash on the way to church today?

Me: No sir, I do not. I mean No Father, I do not.

Priest (yelling): YOU WOULD GO TO HELL. Catholicism is the only religion you should be recognizing. Your father is going to hell. Your mother is going to hell for marrying a protestant instead of insisting he become a Catholic. Tell me - will you go to a protestant church again, knowing what you know now?!

Me (trying not the cry): ...yes sir.

Priest (again yelling): YES FATHER. WHY WOULD YOU GO BACK TO A PROTESTANT CHURCH AFTER I HAVE TOLD YOU NOT TO AND THAT YOU WILL GO TO HELL BECAUSE OF IT!

Me (crying): Because my parents will make me.

Priest: Well, you won't be up for sainthood any time soon, now will you? The Pope in Rome will never declare you a Defender of the Faith.

Me: No sir. What is my penance?

Priest: You are not absolved. You will just sin the same ways again. *slams shut the screen*

I was SHELLSHOCKED. The nuns didn't prepare me for that kind of reaction, I tell you what. I walked out, and went right up to my teacher. I was confused - I mean - Did I have to go back in there? Should I try again? My teacher asked EXACTLY what happened, and I relayed it to her. Then some of the other kids came up crying, and she asked them what happened. And then, in some righteous indignation I have never seen before or again, the teacher walked right up to the confessional, ripped a kid named Anthony out of the booth, and went right on it. We didn't hear a lot of what was said, because she was trying to keep her voice low, but randomly she would start screaming at him "they're children YOU MONSTER!"

She then went storming out of the confessional, went back into the sacristy, and got another priest, who was obviously not prepared for a large schoolteacher full of righteous indignation. He came out and absolved us all of our sins while we were sitting in the pews. One giant group absolution - we all felt quite literally saved.

After that though, I learned that maybe Priests weren't actually the voice of God when they put on that fancy robe and went into that cubbie.

The best thing the nuns ever taught me, however, was that the priests couldn't tell what you told them. Therefore, whenever I was forced to go into confession, I would just sit there, and tell the Priest that I was being forced to do this, and I did not want to. And that usually did seem to fly with them.

I guess what I am trying to say with this post is that even back in the day, maybe I was disillusioned enough that perhaps I should have converted to protestantism a little sooner.