How to Get Rid of a Non-Existant Car

As you well know, I have owed a plethora of shitty cars in my day.  One of which, apparently, was not a car.

See, we bought this car off of my cousin, transferred the title to my name, and the car only lasted about 2 months.  It broke down, and I had it towed back to my parents house and into their garage. After my brother looked at it, he just shook his head.  Even if he COULD get the car to run again, the frame was entirely made up of rust, and therefore it was unsafe to drive.

So, I waited for the title to come in the mail so I could just junk it, or donate it, and get the tax write off. A couple months go by, and no title. Nothing. So I head on down to the local currency exchange and pay the money to get a new title, stating that the old one was "lost."

So we wait a little more time, and without fail, the title doesn't come. In the meantime, my father wanted his garage back, so we were forced to move the car. So, we, in the middle of the night (less traffic if something went wrong) we move it to my friend George's Mother's driveway. I leave all the doors unlocked, and the keys in the ignition. At this point, I am just hoping someone just STEALS THE DANG THING.

I head to the local DMV, and pay again to try to get a copy of the title. Once again, months go by, and nothing. Finally I got to the State of Illinois building, armed with every piece of identifying information a person can HAVE about the car and myself, and try to get a copy of the title.

"See what your problem is" says the lady at the state office, "is it's not a car. That VIN doesn't exist."

"WHAT?!" I say? "Check again, I bought it off my cousin, and she is the squeakiest cleanest person I know!" She checks three more times. My car does not exist.

(Nevermind I paid TWICE for a replacement title, and no one took the time to tell me that there IS NO TITLE.)

While all of this is happening, my friend's mother is growing concerned. Someone stole the keys out of the car, and left all the doors and windows wide open. Someone else stole the battery out of the car (a smart move, considering that was probably the most expensive piece of the car.)

I was at a loss as of what to do. No one recognized the car as a car. I couldn't junk it without the title, nor could I sell it, or donate it.

And that was when I realized something: If I took the plates off of it, and canceled the insurance, there was no way of tracking it back to me.

With the help of my brother, I decided to get rid of the car the only way I knew how: through the city of Chicago's towing system.

We pushed the car out into the street, and then I got into the car, put it into neutral, and he slowly pushed the car from behind with his car. We pushed it to the local public school down the block, and parked it across three handicapped spaces in the teacher's parking lot. See, I didn't want to inconvenience anyone, but I wanted to absolutely make sure that it was towed.

I opened all the doors and windows and trunk on it, and that is when I noticed the family of possums living in the backseat. And all the spiders in the car.  Which made me do the heebie jeebie bee gees dance in the parking lot.

I ended up screaming at the car after it was all said and done, which made my sister and brother laugh until they almost peed themselves.I was mostly angry I exposed myself to black widows and rabies for something that doesn't exist according to the government.

The next morning, the car was towed by the City of Chicago. I never so much as got a ticket or phone call. Something tells me they had the hard time finding the title for the thing...