Penis Sweater

Since I am a student who's an absolute control freak when it comes to my grades, this may be a shorter entry. I'm sorry you guys. I was budgeting my time when I fell asleep on my rosary and woke up with Jesus' face scorched into my boobs.

I have a friend Lucretia who I chat with from time to time. Sometime I go to her basement and watch her smoke. Sometimes we go out for sushi and make snarky comments about everyone in the restaurant until we are universally glared at. All around, I think she's a pretty nice lady and my sister will agree.

I met Lucretia through a her boyfriend Mortimer who is often confused for a giant. Once The Boyfriend and I ran into them at the movie, only at first I thought Mort was alone. Lucretia popped out from behind him to say howdy and I was genuinely startled.  It was as though he had an adorable pocket girlfriend. To this day, the thought of Mortimer carrying around Lucretia warms my heart. I think whenever someone tells you to picture what love would be, you should think of a small Hawai'ian lady in her boyfriend's hip pocket. It will bring a smile to your face, I know it.

The other day when I was chatting with her online, she mentioned that Mortimer still had the penis sweater I made for him.  I had to stop in my tracks: I made what for who now? I've been having this problem lately. People tell me funny things I have said or done and damned if I don't remember them. My friend Trent mentioned how he wanted to castrate someone via deep frying and I laughed for four minutes before he reminded me that I gave him the idea when we were sixteen.

In any event, I did indeed make Mortimer a penis sweater, or as I like to call it "an Amish condom". I believe I was trying to make him mittens but got exceedingly lazy and just elongated the thumb. This is around the same time I made a friend a crocheted cock and balls so she could pin it on her uniform skirt and torment the deans.

Now Lucretia and I are left wondering if there really is a market for the penis sweater.