So, Enna, How is the Job Search Going?

I will tell you how it is going: STELLER. No, I am not being sarcastic. However, I am finding it difficult not to "be myself" when applying to jobs.  What I mean by this is I want to write snarky comical comments in my cover letter to make it stand out. But I also do not want people to be put off my these comments. So, without further ado, here is my cover letter. The Italicized text is what I want to say, the normal text is what I do say.

January 13, 2008

 

 Dear Sir or Madam, Dear person who holds my financial security in their hands,

This letter is to express my interest in the position listed on your website thank you for making your site hard to navigate, by the way, and for saying an MBA is required for your receptionist position, that made me feel great.  Based on my skills in Microsoft Excel, Access, Word, and Powerpoint and anything else Microsoft comes out with, and my previous administrative, financial, and office management experience, I am confident that I would be a great addition to your team. I want you to hire me. Please hire me. I am going stir crazy. I am a workaholic, and this unemployment thing is killing me. I know a person should not be defined by their job, but I am. I love working. And I would make a great addition to you team. I golf. I golf WELL too. I cannot play softball too well, but I will make sure you have enough gatorade and snacks for after the game. And I will drive you home after the game when you get too drunk. I will also memorize your wife and children's birthdays and anniversaries and send you reminders and gift suggestions. I know almost all the laws of Judaism if that helps you, and can tell from a mile away if something is Kosher or not. And I guarantee your wife will like me. I am also the person who shows up to company events and makes sure everyone gets home ok. I am the person who will show up to your New Years party, and the bar for a drink after work on Friday. I like a good sexist joke, and I won't tell on you to HR for using the word 'broad.' I probably know more filthy jokes than you do.

In addition to the skills listed on my resume and they are many, I would like to highlight that I am professional though I love a good whoopee cushion joke, punctual actually I am perpetually early, but more importantly, I am personable and very customer service oriented actually I am company-oriented but apparently no one wants to hear that. My hobbies outside of work include volunteering in my community through my local church I am their marketing rep, yes, Jesus needs a marketing rep, reading mostly boring books you would never have heard of, and quilting I swear I am not an 80 year old grandmother. I also blog, but apparently that makes people who hire nervous, plus probably I use the C-word too much for your liking.

I am excited about the position and the ability to help your company succeed actually I am excited about you hiring me. Thank you in advance for your time I guess. I would appreciate the opportunity to review my qualifications in more detail and if you have any questions or comments, please feel to contact me at [my phone number].
Sincerely,

Enna S. Now please fricken hire me!