Return of the Butt Chinned Man

I used to know this guy that tried to get me to give him a hand job once. He was a friend of a friend, and we were all hanging out in someone’s cat hair coated basement. He had recently come into my group as someone we’d known in fifth grade, but had long ago abandoned. Isn’t it weird that sometimes you reconnect with people you know you should despise, but can’t for the life of you remember why (This wouldn’t be the last time this human waste would pop up: he would later date my friend Stella, who told him he had a butt chin and we all made jokes that she was going to give his face a rim job).

Since I was a dewy and sweet-eyed junior, I was like, "Fuck y'all, I'm going home" the moment I felt any pressure to do anything, including pay for gas. He continued to flirt with me occasionally online, which I found insulting coming from a guy who had dated thereof my friends already. I really didn't give a shit if he were interested in me, being already firmly dedicated to The Boyfriend. Eventually he joined the Marines and dropped off the face of the planet.

When I was a sophomore in college, he sent me an online album to look at without warning. Just a simple “ping” on my screen was the only warning I received that a serious storm of asshole was coming my way. I hadn't heard from him in a year or so, so I was like, "Oh balls. I hope he's fat now,” and clicked on the link.

The album was filled with what can only be described as tiger beat shots: him in a wife beater over a lush bedspread, him at the helm of a ship looking into the distance, him in a park playing with a black lab.

Did I mention he has always had the face of a ten year old? Well he fucking did. It was rounded at all edges and he had a flesh colored beard over his very cherubic cleft-chin. He wore the same glasses I had when I was in fourth grade. I honestly felt dirty looking at him, like some kind of Humphrey being pursued by a Lolita-man.

Anyway, one of these shots was from the myspace angle and it was him shirtless in the shower. It didn’t show any nudity below the waist (Thank you, sweet, merciful Jesus), but it was a glamour shot of his noticeably hairless chest. Copious vomit is the least of what came out of me.

He asked me what I thought of that picture. I asked him if he were fucking joking. He said no, not at all. I told him I couldn't stop laughing. And that was the last thing I ever said to him because after that he never spoke to me again.

But seriously, it looked like kiddie porn.

This is a post by Julie, who seriously regrets leaving her all women high school for the real world.