So, Betsy had a son. For the time being, we are going to call Betsy's son Betsy Junior. Betsy Junior liked to torture me. Without further ado, here's some of Betsy Junior's favorite activities:
1. He liked to smoke in my car. Not that I ever willingly let him INTO my car. He would break into the car in the middle of the night, and smoke cigarettes. My car was fairly easy to break into, seeing as it was a peice of crap, and he liked to smoke cigarettes in it. My car was one giant ashtray for this guy. And yes, he was an adult. The nice old lady across the street told my mother, which cleared up a lot of questions for me, to be honest. I mean, I let my friends smoke it in, but I never saw one of them put out a Newport Xtra Long in my backseat. Nor did I ever see any of them SMOKE Newport Xtra Longs, seeing as none of them were 8o year old grandmothers.
2. In the winter, he would pee on the door locks of everyone's cars. Yeah, nothing like needing to use lock defreezer on someone else's PEE. I've never had to use it on my OWN pee, as a matter of fact. (Again, nice little old lady across the street solved this puzzle for all of us, not like it was a great mystery to begin with, but I digress.)
3. He would stand on his roof and when he felt the urge to pee, (you know, in the summer, seeing as he had a place to pee in the winter) he would just stand up and pee off the roof.
4. Assworms. Back in the day, some of the kids on the block went over to Betsy's house to play. We were too young (by about 10 years), but also, my mother could smell crazy from a mile away, so we were never allowed to go over and play. Those kids that went over to play? They all got assworms. Well, actually, pinworms. But that little peice of knowledge solidified in my little mind that assworms were REAL. Also, all the other kids obviously had eaten nothing but sugar while they were there.
I would like to take a moment to explain that my parents didn't live in a ghetto part of Chicago. They lived in one of the nicest parts of Chicago at the time all of this was happening.
So thank you Betsy Junior, you have given me something to write about this Friday morning! But seriously, stop peeing on my parents' door locks.
ok, um, yeah, he should have been picked up for indecent exposure and vandalism at the very least. Gross!!!!
ReplyDeleteWe could never catch him in the act. The nice old lady was the only one who ever really saw anything. Well, there were a couple more people on the block, but I guess everyone is pretty lazy. Or they weren't getting their locks peed on. Either or.
ReplyDeleteAlso--nothing matches the feeling of coming home after some pleasant event and seeing him smoking a cigarette in the dark, waiting, on his lawn. You linger just a second, squinting to make out, is it Betsy Jr. you see. And then he says, "I've been keeping an eye on your daughters, for you, you know." Your father yanked me into the house while I was digging for something sharp in the bottom of my purse.
ReplyDeleteOh Hootie, yoour love for Stabbity-stab-stab knows no bounds.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though that WAS creepy.
enna... let it be known you smoke in my car you betta belieee youre getting a swift kick in the chin. which you may think would be difficult given the fact that you'd assume my legs were trapped under the steering wheel. but, you just wait.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't smoking and putting out cigarettes into my own uplostery. Creepy guy was! Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy guy!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if he ever had to use de-icer on his own pee to break into your car to smoke, forgetting his own actions. If he was prone to talk to himself, I wonder if upon illegally entering you ride, he'd exclaim, "You're in!"
ReplyDeleteI have a cat that sounds a lot like Betsy Junior. I swear, she smokes in my truck and then rips up the seats. And she pees everywhere. Well, maybe she doesn’t smoke. But she probably breathes fire. There’s definitely a funny smell.
ReplyDeleteSteven
Sgottahurt - Nope, he came in through the sun roof, just like any three finger carnie could.
ReplyDeleteSteven - Dude, a cat as Betsy Junior would be hell on earth. It would a combo of my two least favorite things on the planet. *shudders violently*