Mistakes Were Made

Ok, so I went on a job interview on Friday, and well...mistakes were made. Huge mistakes. But do not worry, my mistakes equal your humor.

Mistake #1: Purposely giving myself diarrhea.  I know what you're thinking - how, and why, right? Yeah. See, when I heard I had an interview, my buddy and I decided to go celebrate. THE DAY BEFORE the interview. So, we went out to Hooters, got nice and crunk, and ate our weights in Three Mile Island in chicken wings. The next day, I am waiting to go into the interview, and it occurs to me: I have to use the bathroom. NOW. But, because my luck is SO bad, that exact moment was when the interviewer came out to get me. He could hear my bowels moving and gurgling and shuffling around. It sounded like a rundown nursing home in my small intestine. I, having learned well from my sister, decided to not fart to ease the pressure, which could turn out to be the smartest thing I did all day. 

Mistake #2: I wore a cute shirt. You know that cute pink shirt that is a button down and goes really well with your brown suit? Don't wear it to an interview. Because when I wore my favorite cute pink shirt, it decided the rebel against me.  Midway through the interview, a button came off. Apparently I wear my favorite cute pink shirt too much, and it was getting a bit threadbare. It didn't pop off and clink against a glass, thank goodness, and it didn't pop off and expose something I could cover up with my sportcoat, like my stomach or something. No, it inconspiciously popped off so that I was exposing a little too much cleavage to seem professional. So much cleavage, in fact, that it looked like porno music was about to start playing at any moment and things were about to get funky in that office. I, of course, did not notice this fact until I got home.

Mistake #3: I do not have an MBA.  After the interview, the recruiter I was working with stopped me on my way out the door. "You have an MBA, right?" Uh, no, I do not.  Thank you for that little shot to my self esteem, and for making it just a little bit longer before I could get to a bathroom.

Mistake #4: I used their unisex bathroom. So, after that tremendous interview, I used their unisex bathroom, and proceeded to give my memory a jolt about why it isn't the smartest thing to eat your weight in buffalo wings. Who was in the stall next to me? The interviewer, of course. I hightailed it out of there and skipped washing my hands (I know, I am gross) for fear that he would come out of the stall and see that the girl with the horrible bowel problems was the girl he just interviewed for the position.

All in all, I think it went well, don't you? I mean, who wouldn't want to hire the horrible smelling, non-hand-washing, non-MBA-having, porno mistress of the Chicago suburbs?

This delightful tale of woe has been brought to you by Enna, queen of Hooters.