My Thieving Ways

Once, about four years ago (maybe more now that I think about it) Eric and I went to a New Year's Eve Party in Appleton, WI.

The thing about living in Chicago is everyone knows someone is Appleton, Wisconsin. It's not a theory, it's a fact. I don't know what it is about that town, but those folks get around.

Anyway, Eric and I go up to this party. And it must have been a great party, because I remember slim to bubkis about it. Well, I remember one thing.

My friend's roommates bought fish and a hamster as decoration/things to play with while drunk. They put the hamster in a ball, and would blow cigarette smoke at it, they put it right next to the speakers, etc. I think they even fed it vodka. The roommates decided that at the end of the night, they would put it into a microwave.

Now, I am not passing judgment on anyone here, I am just stating facts of what they did and what they intended to do. I mean, I have seen the Peta videos, I know where my food comes from and what it goes through to get to my plate. But all the same, a microwave? That's a terrible death.

So, the party was winding down, and I asked my friend if I could take home the hamster.

Sure, he says, but it isn't mine to give, it's the roommate's, so you should ask them. So I do. And they say no, but I can have it after I microwave it.

I then decide to steal it. I grabbed a shoe box out of my friend's then-girlfriend's room, dumped her shoes out, and put the hamster in the box. Then I went to the crudettes, and stole a carrot and some celery. I then told Eric I had everything ready and it was time to go.

Keep in mind, however, I neglected to tell him that I was in the process of stealing a small animal and trying to smuggle it across state lines in his car.

We get in the car, and we start the long drive back to Chicago. About an hour in, Eric starts asking me about noises coming from my side of the car.

Eric: Do you hear anything? Like a methodical crunching, rustling noise coming from over there?

Me: Nope.

Eric: Are you sure?

Me: Yep.

Eric: Alright, I have to pull over, I think there's something wrapped around my tire, like a plastic bag or something.

Me yelling: I STOLE THEIR HAMSTER.

Eric pulling over: WHAT?

Me: They were going to kill it and so I stole it. I have it in a shoe box. It's eating crudette.

Eric: What?

Me opening the shoebox: See? He likes celery.

Eric: I totally cannot believe you stole their hamster.

Me: I totally cannot believe I got away with it!

Eric: Ditto!

So, we get it back to Eric's house, and his mom is quite impressed with us. I think this is the first time in my life I have a) stolen something, and b) been given kudos for doing something that is clearly a no-no, I mean, it's on the 10 Commandments as one of those "God strongly advises you NOT to do" things.

With my next paycheck, I buy the full gamut: The gigantic habitat, the wheel, the organic, self cleaning bedding, the organic hamster food. I went all out.

Then it dies.

I was so pissed off. I dropped $120 on this stupid little pet, and it up and died on us.

And I know what you're thinking, no, I did not eat it.

I gave away all the stuff I bought, because Eric and I both decided that maybe we weren't ready for another hamster quite yet.

We named the little fella Dante, because we figured that he had been through hell, and then promptly gave it a proper burial in a City of Chicago garbage can in the alley.

So I guess the moral of this story is don't let me see you torture and animal, otherwise I will be forced to steal it in a shoebox, and take it home, buy it a bunch of crap, and then discover it dead.

And to that certain friend of mine: YOUR FORMER ROOMMATES OWE ME $120!