Train Conversations

Me (on the phone): Want to hear about my day at work?

Friend: Sure. Why not.

Me: I got yeast and some sort of baking acid sprayed on me, now I smell like a litter box.

Friend: Ewwwwwwww

Me: A litter box that has been sprayed down with water and left in a humid, dark place.

Lady sitting next to me gets up and walks to another train car.

Me: Ahhh that's better.

Friend: What? What just happened? Did the smell get worse?

Me: No, I just wanted to stretch out and relax, I actually was in meetings all day.

Friend: You're a sick bastard.

The Seaward

Confession time - around October first, I start thinking about the C-Word. Yes, Christmas. Christmas before even Halloween or Thanksgiving. And my favorite part of Christmas? Sending Christmas cards.  I mail them out on December first, but usually I have them stamped and filled out by Thanksgiving.

Without further ado, here are some Christmas cards I am considering this year. You can click on the picture to go to the Etsy seller's site.

This card would stand out, even with the subdued colors, plus I am a serious fan of blue and white as Christmas colors.

It's no secret I loooooooove vintage paper crafts. But it is often SO HARD to find vintage cards that aren't girlie as hell. Eric rarely gives me limitations on decorations and the like, but his only request has been "For the love of God, if it need a doily or is frou-frou please do not bring it into this house." So this card might just be perfect.

More simple retro cards. I like the almost mod look of these.

The only thing I do not like about these is the snowman. It just stands out. Otherwise it is classy pretty chic. I wonder if I could get her to put a monogram in the center? If so, then the search would be over.

This is simple-chic to me. Full disclosure - I send out about 40 Christmas cards. I receive back anywhere from 4 to 7. Soooooo...sometimes I get generic cards and send them to people I know I never see and will never send me one back. Childhood friends parents...boss...that kind of thing. These would be perfect for that.

Again, if you lost the flower, these would be perfect. Plus I like the fact that she obviously is not a photographer. Every other person looks like they have some super awesome high resolution Kodak camera. She obviously has a Cannon Sureshot or something, which, and I know this is strange, makes her my kind of person.

I AM A SUCKER FOR ART DECO. Ever since I read The Great Gatsby, I have been obsessed with Art Deco. It's pretty much why I fell in love with my engagement ring.

The only problem with this is how do you mail them with the bells on them? Would you have to mail them in those little boxes? That would kill me on postage. Otherwise though, they're darling.

Wait. *blinks* Wasn't this my header one month? Woah.

And finally, for your less desirable relatives...

Ooooooh yeah. If those don't scream me, I don't know what does!

 

Hey! Look up!

I redid the pages. If the pages weren't viewed in 2 months, then they're gone. Unless you really gave a damn about what Premier League Soccer (football) team I am lusting after as of late, which, apparently you all weren't. Oh well, maybe I will make a homage page for all my various strange emails received from this site and responses to Craigslist ads I have gotten. But that might be too frightening, even for the internet.

Snippets of My Life

This is a mish-mash post of things that happened in the last two days that I found slightly humorous.

First - Do you know the music Adagio For Strings? For those of you not classically inclined - it's the song that is playing in the movie Platoon when Willem Defoe runs out of the jungle after Tom Berenger (tries to) murder him, and Willem is cut down by the surrounding Viet Cong as he is running after the helicopter.

IT IS ALSO IN THE MOVIE AMELIE. When she is imagining her funeral and helping those guys in the soup line and she is tending for that Mr. Glass French asshole in the Swiss Alps.

I was watching Amelie, and that song came on and I was like IT'S THE SONG FROM PLATOOOOOOON! And I ran out and told Eric immediately, who was mostly surprised because I know nothing of music unless it was featured on Hee Haw or involves a man in overalls blowing on a jug with three X's on it. Or Britney. I have a serious infatuation with Britney.

My point of this is that my mother's favorite movie and my father's favorite movie share a song! Ladies and gentlemen, we're witnessing a miracle here. And you know what that calls for?

A little jug blowing, that's what!

Elsewhere...

On a train, talking to my cousin on the phone.

Thomas: So you're on a train. Do you want to play a game?

Me: Sure.

Thomas: Try and describe everyone around you without them knowing you're talking about them.

Me: Assholes.

Thomas: *GASPS*

Me: I win.

Thomas: I feel like the hunter from Jurassic Park who was hunting the raptors, who just lowers his gun and says 'Clever girl' and then gets eaten.



Indeed Thomas, indeed.

Completely Wedding Related

(All photos are courtesy of Offbeatbride.com.)

Sorry for the men in the audience, but this post is completely and utterly wedding related. So, without further ado, here are some ideas I have scrounged up:

[caption id="attachment_274" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Screw you, flower industry!"][/caption]

I absolutely LOVE this bouquet. It's made out of ornaments. Ornaments! Is that not the greatest idea you have ever seen, outside, of course, real flowers.

[caption id="attachment_275" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Hot Damn that's some nice photography!"][/caption]

This is the greatest wedding party photo ever. It's not even up for discussion. You could convince me Sarah Palin is a feminist before you convince me that there is a better wedding photo than this.

[caption id="attachment_276" align="aligncenter" width="198" caption="Hippies!"][/caption]

The more time that goes on, the more I just want to become a hippie and get married by a Wiccan in a forest preserve. This wedding crap is costing entirely too much money.

[caption id="attachment_278" align="aligncenter" width="162" caption="OH LA LA "][/caption]

The more time that goes on, the more I like this dress. I think I need to try it on. It matches my ring, even! I mean, I really, REALLY despise House of Brides...but I may need to swallow my pride and go in there and try it on.

And finally, my reward to myself...

[caption id="attachment_277" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="OH BABY"][/caption]

The week after I get married, I am dying my hair pink. WHY NOT! Mrs Eric's Mother (I have GOT to think up a name for her to use on this blog!) convinced me not to dye the back of my hair bright blue (like the ornament above blue) about 3 months ago. But seriously folks? After the stress of planning a wedding and getting married, I deserve some pink hair. That's all I am saying.

Dear Forces of the Universe

Dear Forces of the Universe -

Hello, my name is Enna. You probably don't know me, or perhaps you do, but I am the girl you have been shitting on for the past...oh 7 years. Do you remember me now? I doesn't matter. I really just have one question for you - Do I have to sacrifice an infant to Balthazar or something? What do I have to do to make my life better? See, I tried college, but that expensive. I tried buying a condo, and it's expensive. I tried the American dream, but now I want to cash in my chips. I want to save up some money and buy a commune and not shave my armpits.

I am an overall happy person, is that the problem? Should I be an asshole? Should I go around slapping babies and stealing and slandering? Maybe deface a church or two? Where exactly am I going wrong here?

Anxiously awaiting your reply while losing faith in the American Dream,

Enna S.

A Veritable Couch Infestation!

I recently acquired a new couch. When I say "acquired" I actually mean my mother drove out with her friend Tammy out to the middle of NO WHERE and drop it off. This mean I can officially get rid of the old couch. After exploring many avenues, I decided to sell it on Craigslist. And when I say "sell it" I mean COME GET IT FOR FREE.

Here is my Craigslist Ad.

(Ignore all the crap in piles behind the couch. Somewhere my mother is shuttering that I put that picture of my house in that condition on the internet. Sorry Mom! Everyone, say hi to my mom! And dad!)

Ironically, more people responded to say that it was the most humorous listing they have read in awhile than did to say they actually wanted the couch. Hopefully that means I will make it to the Best of Craigslist. If not, no biggie, I still have a futon and a papasan chair to give away, so that's two more chances to win, right?

**UPDATE** She picked it up and it is awesome because it is GONNNNNNE.

Feeling Sick

Folks, I am sick. I am taking the day off.

I know, I know. Telling you I am taking my day off on the blog I am taking the day off of is like showing up to work to tell your boss you can't make it in due to car troubles.

Playboy

Remember the other day when I said I had nothing to read on the train? Well, that wasn't entirely true.

See, awhile back, someone I know gave me a gag subscription to Playboy. I called Playboy and asked them to change the name over to Eric's, mostly because the mailman was giving me the pervert eye whenever I went to get the mail.

Surprisingly, Playboy agreed to change the name on the account. And they had, hands down, the best customer service people I have ever had to deal with. (Plus I pictured everyone I talked to in one of those old fashioned phone operator rooms dressed in those bunny outfits. Which became especially humorous when I got to talk to a deep voiced black man.)

Anyway, I usually go down and check the mail on my way out the door. Often this means the mail sits in my bag, and I read it on the train. So, of course, I had Playboy on me, it being in the mail and all. When I got to work, I took out a brown paper bag, covered the outside of the magazine like it was a 4th grade math book, and out it back in my bag. When I got on the train to come home, I busted out my Playboy and started reading.

And ladies, the articles are good. No, really. Especially the interviews and the political articles.

It was funny, because I was trying to find the next article I wanted to read, so I was flipping through looking for it, and I caught myself thinking "Wow, there are an awful lot of naked ladies in this maga...oh right."

Then, in the middle of all this flipping and reading and nekkedness, a woman sits down next to me. It occurs to me I am essentially reading PORN on a train (technically, I was reading about autism and vaccinations, but you get the idea. From the outside, I am reading porn.)

So, I very slyly put the Playboy back into my bag, and start to text and call my sister, and well, you know the rest from there.

BUT SERIOUSLY - kudos to Playboy for a STELLAR writing staff! The next time your man says he is reading it for the articles, if he's smart - HE IS.  And you should ask him to photocopy them for you. I would say you should read them, but hot damn, no one needs to see that much cooter.

Hey! That's My Meijer!

So, I dunno if you've seen the local news, but a plane made an emergency landing on Weber Road in Boilingbrook, Illinois today. Here, allow me to post a copy of the news story:

[caption id="attachment_259" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Oh Hai! I'm a plane!"][/caption]

Click on it to see it better. See, I was just going to link to it, but the news sources that were all covered in ads, so...I took the ads out and posted it here.

I swear, I am getting to a funny story. Just follow me here.

So, the first time I decide to go to Meijer, it's a trek and an adventure. See, I was tired of blowing entirely too much money at Whole Foods, or at the local grocery store that used to be normal but is now trying to emulate Whole Foods. I decide to go to Meijer.

I know slim to bubkis about the suburbs at this point, having just moved here from the city and all. I drive for about ten minutes, and I see corn fields. AND I GET VERY NERVOUS.

I should stop and explain that in between these stretches of cornfields, they are building McMansions. But you can go looooooong stretches without seeing anything, and then BAM, three Starbuck's and a PF Changs. IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE.

So I come upon Meijer, and there's a bit of clusterfuck going on the in entrance to the parking lot, so I drive to the back entrance. And I keep driving, down this loooooooooong straight road. And then I notice all the windsocks. And then I realize:

I am driving down an airstrip.

I quickly turn around, peeling out pulling 180, and I floor it to get back out to Weber road. There were NO SIGNS. WHATSOEVER. I had no clue that there was an airplane behind the Meijer. I thought it was just the back road that lead to the loading docks.

I thought about it later for awhile, about how someone, eventually, will land their small plane on Weber road instead of the airport. I should have put money on it! DANG IT. Luckily, everyone managed to walk away from the accident. And I managed to not have a plane land on my car, which is always a plus.

A List

Things I did not think I would ever do that I did today:

- Buy Ms. Magazine

- Read Sarah Palin's personal emails

- Almost get into a fist fight with an Indian woman in an elevator over a racial slur she used

Things that are currently frustrating me at the moment:

- My work

- Eric's hard drive probably crashed

- Money

Ironic things I have done in the past week that were probably very stupid considering the current economic situation:

- Started a 401K

Things that I have done in the past week that will make my mother weep with joy:

- Started a 401K, invested in Swedish, Danish, Finnish, and Norwegian mutual funds

Things I am browsing for on the Internet

- A new computer for Eric. GAHHHH!

Things I think about that get me through the day (not in order):

- Shopping in Prague with Julie

- Spending Easter in France with an imaginary toddler and my mother (private story)

- My engagement ring, followed very closely by my scar. Happy thoughts all around

- Eric

- Running

Places I owe money to that I wish I didn't:

- The Downers Grove Library

- Blockbuster

Movies I am watching until my friend in IT gets home and I can drive to his house:

- Casino Royale

Things I am starting:

- A new diet (general reduced caloric intake with increased physical activity.)

UPDATED - Things I do that annoy even me:

Update my blog, and then leave the end parenthesis off the above statement. GAH!

Idle Hands

Very often I find myself bored and with nothing to read on the train. See, the Metra in Chicago has decided that people need to be on the train five minutes before the train leaves. After those five minutes, the doors close. Which is a little silly. The train isn't leaving for another four minutes, and you can't get on. Which means I cannot buy newspapers or magazines beforehand. One of my favorite things to do is pick up the latest copy of Cosmo and say aloud "Dear Penthouse..." and watch everyone around me get really uncomfortable and shuffle away. But I can do that no longer! Stupid Metra.

I digress. Today, I had nothing to read, and was bored, so I took out my phone and called my sister, who is often stuck bored on a train somewhere. We usually chat until whichever one of us gets home first.

Today though, she didn't answer. I left her a voicemail that I have gossip for her, and ten minutes later, she still did not call me back.

So I decided to send her a text that I knew she would respond to. I sent the following:

"Hey remember that hooker that we killed in 2002 and buried in a shallow grave in the Dan Ryan Woods? Dude, I just saw her lookalike! Crazy."

Then I followed it up with this text:

"Whoopsie! That text was for Eric! Ignore it! Smoochies!"

She still hasn't called me back, which means she is probably in class at school. Which sucks. BECAUSE NOW I AM STILL SITTING ON THIS GOSSIP and I think we all know by now this is killing me.

On the plus side, now she has a couple of fun text messages waiting for her when she gets out of class!

This isn't the first time I have sent her strange text messages. I sent her one really early in the morning that said "Watch out for wells! They are all around you! NO ONE WOULD HEAR YOU SCREAM. Toodles!" Which she said was a not-so-fun way to wake up at 4 a.m.

And my favorite of all time, "I pooped a little in your room. If you find it, give it back to me, I will give you a dollar!"

On second thought, I think I know why she didn't call me back.

Funeral Sausage Party

marriedtothesea.com

Sarah Palin is an Asshole Cunt

Sarah Palin is following me on twitter.

It's like knowing the devil himself is watching you. That is, if the devil made you pay for your own rape kits if you were raped. But somehow I don't think even the devil is that cruel.

That is all folks.

Because Run with Me Was Taken

I am going to start Running with E, she's my favorite Swedish lady who writes Letters From The End Consumer. Except Hurricane Ike came onto shore, and pushed a storm front up here, and now, ironically, Chicagoland has faced more rain that Austin.

Since I had Friday off, I went running. FOR THREE HOURS. I wanted to do it again yesterday, but the storms came.

Are you running? You should run with Emi. And me.

No, Wait, It's Urine.

[caption id="attachment_239" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Clark & Lake, in Chicago"][/caption]

I used to work for Channel One News. You know, the news channel that is broad casted in schools. It was my first internship, and I am quit honestly amazed I even got the internship, considering the harrowing ordeal I went through to even get to the interview.

I went right after school with my friend Melissa. Melissa, hands DOWN, is the prissiest girl I have EVER MET. I mean that in a good way. She is a self-proclaimed "prissy Melissy." We get on the L Train, and Melissa starts to wipe down her seat. I look at her like she is crazy, and promptly sit down in my own seat.

The CTA has seat that are covered in a felt-like material that hides moisture remarkably well.



I notice that the seat is cold, and that is all. So Melissa and I prepare our speeches about how we are somehow qualified for this position (even though we are not) and we remove and reapply our makeup.

Halfway through the ride, a riot breaks out among kids from Curie, the local horrifyingly rough public high school, and the train has to be stopped. The riot police rush the train, and make us all move.

We stand up to move, and this is when I realize my butt is wet. Melissa has this look on her face like someone just spit in her hair. MY ENTIRE ASS IS WET. And it is clearly obvious that it is urine. So, I am stuck waiting with someone else's urine on me while the riot police break up a fight. There are no bathrooms on the CTA L Trains, or the buses, which, actually, would explain why someone pissed on the seat.

When the train finally starts moving and we get off our stop, we race to the job interview. I run into the bathroom to see the damage, and it is bad. I decide that if I was going to be wet, I was going to be CLEAN and wet. So, I take off my skirt, and put it in the sink, and thoroughly wash it. I realize the back of my underwear is wet as well. I make the hard decision to just take off my underwear and throw them away. I do this out in the middle of the bathroom, partially because I am trying to dry my skirt with the hand dryer, partially because I am in such a hurry.  I did not realize, however, that there was a woman in the stall behind me.

And, of course, she comes out and just narrowly misses seeing my bare ass. She doesn't even wash her hands. She just leaves. Which, at the time, makes me think she has seen EVERYTHING.

I go and sit in the waiting room, next to Melissa, who promptly moves one seat over and mouths to me HOW DO YOU SIT IN SOMEONE ELSE'S URINE AND NOT REALIZE IT? We are all taken in as a group...and...

The lady from the bathroom is the interviewer.

I get the job. And find out on my first day that she quit that following Friday, which made me unbelievably happy. I still have NO IDEA how I managed to score that sweet internship.

BUT YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE THAT I WIPE DOWN AND TEST EVERY SEAT NOW.

(And for those of you are like my mother, I did go get a Hep test, and it came back clean.)

Sorry Folks

I have been two different types of sick in the last week. The first half of the week, I had the stomach flu, and the second half I had a sinus infection/head cold. I am mostly surprised I do not have strep right now, because usually every fall I get strep.  I am actually kind of excited about my lack of strep! (Sometimes it's the little things in life, people...)

I promise I will update tomorrow. I promise, promise, promise it will be amusing.

Thanks for your patience!

That Sandwich Sent Me Straight to Hell

My company is monitoring our time more closely, and this is actually a good thing because it means that I actually will be paid for over time for once! But the only downside is I now have to closely monitor how long my lunches are. So now I have only a half an hour to get myself something to eat. I decide to walk to the local specialty Mexican sandwich store, as the only other things available are cart food and fast food. And really, I feel less sick after eating the cart food.

So, I start walking. And about a block away, I notice out of the corner of my eye that there are a gaggle of women less than a block away to the right, heading towards my sandwich store. So I start power walking. I literally cut them off at the door, and get my order in first.

The reason I power walked and cut them off is because if they got to place an order in front of me, I knew my lunch would run long, and I would never make it back in time. The whole time the guy is taking my order, he's kind of scowling at me. I think nothing of it, and I get my food, and I turn around to leave...

And I they're nuns. I cut off nuns. I wasn't even paying that much attention to them, I just wanted that damned sandwich. When I got back, Ericka asked me, "So, was that sandwich worth the eighth circle of hell?"

It was grilled steak, jalapeño cheese, grilled pineapple, and avocado... so you tell me!

In other news, I got a haircut. I walked right in and asked for The Rachel. Which is what I now have. Seriously, this is the best haircut I have ever had.

This Post is for My Mother

...and for anyone who wants to see wedding dresses I like.

I would like this one a little longer, but otherwise it fits in the theme well, and would STELLAR with a birdcage veil.

This is similar, (picture it in white, however) but OH SO MUCH CHEAPER. Which, I think we all know by now, is what I am going for.

Oh wait, here it is:

[caption id="attachment_231" align="alignnone" width="266" caption=""I could not be more bored.""][/caption]

Now picture it without those REDICK gloves, and picture it cheaper. WOO HOO.

OH SNAP. I just found it EVEN CHEAPER. Snap. I should order this next week.

So Memorex, How's the Wife?

Someone please explain to me what this woman is doing on the cover of the CD Burner Drive. Jason Buckaroo pointed it out, and I am thoroughly confused.



It looks like her mouth is a bloody mess, there's something in her cheak, in she is holding a CD up to to face. At least I think it's a CD. Is it a jar? Is she chewing on a glass jar?

And why is she hill-billy hussying it up?

I am so confused.

Quick Hits

• I saw a guy dressed like Hitler riding the segway again on the way to work. Seriously dude, Khaki + That Mustache + Segway + It's 5 a.m. = Very Confused Enna, really early in the morning.


• Jason Buckaroo kind of tricked me into googling "pubic hair mustache" while at work. I say kind of because I wasn't really thinking/paying attention when he said to google it, and then it was too late. Thank goodness we do not have an IT department.


• I wandered onto Sean Ono Lennon's website last night.  On his site, you can submit art work of him and he will post it on his "art wall." I saw a painting that literally made me stop and stare. I think I am going to conclude my "Communist Robots reminiscent of my Childhood" study I have going on and move onto another study.


• Coincidentally enough, my cousin will be getting the last painting in this series. And his painting is coming along NICELY. I would post pictures, but he said that he only wanted to see the finished product, and he reads this blog.


• Jason Buckaroo said that Sean Ono Lennon's "art wall" was the most conceited thing he had ever seen in his life. I think he's jealous the ladies aren't painting pictures of him.


• 84 days until Christmas. I am already thinking about my Christmas cards this year. I don't know WHY, as I only get about 5 a year and I send out about 50.


• I think I am seeing someone who is dead in my dreams. Again. Someone different this time. It's weirding me out. I have to ask him what he wants. (Still do not believe in this, by the way...)


• I have finished my Business Plan. I am waiting on my partner to finish the menu, so I can finish the operating costs worksheet. People, I am on my way to the American Dream!


• Speaking of my various projects, I am back on the planning side of writing my book. I started writing it, and got hung up on some details. For once in my life I actually need my outline.
  
  And finally, a comic specifically for the men in the audience:

Overheard in Chicago & a List

I just wrote a long, elaborate entry (and then deleted it) about how some guy went on a tirade on the L about how all Chicagoans are liberals. He said it like it has a bad connotation. And it occurred to me that there are actual people out there who hate liberals (outside of Rush, of course.) Let's just say it rocked my little, ethnocentric world.

I can see where he was coming from though, we are the city that produced Pete Wentz, and for that, in all it's guyliner glory, we should be punished.

He also called Chicagoans Unionists. I couldn't tell if he meant we were Pro-Union, or if he was resurrecting a Civil War term. (He had a Midwestern accent - probably Minnesota or Wisconsin.) I ended up giggling pretty excessively until my stop came.  I wanted to scream DOWN WITH COPPERHEADS as I left the train, but I figured that might incite a riot.

And now, for a list of sorts.

Women I admire for their arts poweress, writing ability, or general awesomeness:

Lisa Stefaniak (art, photography)

Sarah Vowell (writer, NPR Goddess)

Laurie Notaro (writer, made me realize clumsy, smelly girls with perpetual runs in their nylons can write books too.)

Natalie Portman (All around awesomeness. My sister Julie and I feel like we are competing with her. She went to Harvard, so I am pretty sure that means she wins our imaginary contest. But she also starred in those horrible Star Wars movies, which is like never having gone to Harvard. So I guess we're even?)

That's all folks. I am in full 'working on the book' mode now, I want to pull a Kerouac and just plow right through it. I just need an ending...

An Open Letter to Darcy Miller

Hello Darcy! (And possibly Vera Wang, if you read bad blogs with terrible grammar and have too many fecal jokes in them.)

I just found out my wedding budget. And, no matter what my budget, I cannot afford a $3000 wedding dress. Now, I am in no way sad about the fact that I cannot afford a $3000 wedding dress, it seems like a very frivolous expense for something I will only wear LITERALLY once. (No judgment Darcy, I am sure Martha pays very well, and kudos for you. But my company does not pay well.)

What I would like, however, is to make my own dress. Specially, I want to make a version of YOUR Vera Wang wedding dress. The problem is - I cannot find a single picture of your dress from behind. I need more detailed photos of your dress.
I saw it once - ONCE - on Martha Stewart ONDemand. And since then? NOTHING. I need pictures. MANY MANY DETAILED PICTURES. I know Martha likes to taunt us ladies into coming back to her show. TRUST ME MARTHA - I am hooked. Just have another show with the dress in it - OR POST MORE PICTURES ONLINE. Vera - can you help a girl out?! I am sure you have pictures. Heck, I would settle for the muslin pictures!

Martha, Darcy, Vera - YOU LADIES ARE LIKE MY CRACK. Please give me more. Please?

Love,

Enna

Urban Dictionary Definitions of People I Know

I was fooling around on the internet the other day, and I came across UrbanDictionary.com. So, I put in my friend Pam's name. It came up with:

Pam - An attractive female employee, typically a receptionist, that is at your place of work.

Then I clicked on Pammed, which gave me the defintion to stick your thumb up a girl's butt, which is something I can now NEVER UNLEARN.

But I thought the idea of a pop culture dictionary was still a good one (pammed and all!) so this made me dig further, and I came up with the following:

Enna - can be used in replace of hello on the internet

Ena (if you take the second N off my name) - stands for Erect Nipple Alert.

Eric - The most amazing person in the entire universe. Everything about him is perfect! He's charming, handsome, intelligent, strong, romantic, funny...everything you want in a guy. It's impossible not to fall in love with him! Once you lay eyes on him, you will know from that very moment that you will never stop loving him. (I SWEAR I did not write this!)

Pantry - used as a secret term for marijuana (Also used by me for place that I keep my shame sammiches, but I guess that's just MY definition.)

Hootie - Gullah for joint. Originated in southern coastal South Carolina. (Woo hoo! Gullah!)

Tilly - a retarded girl who makes gestures as if she were an injured dog

Bernie - Created after a hippie music teacher who doesn't wear socks and drives a Mercedes. The term Bernie is to be used to call someone a person who has no rhythm or timing.

Daddoo - (I had to look up DADADOOOO instead) Cops are coming. it pretty much is another way of saying 5-0.

Tom - (Though there were many, many definitions, I went with the most snarky, that had nothing to do with Myspace.) An ungodly looking creature who often repulses the female gender. (Aw heck, I can't be that snarky, it's also slang for lesbian.)

Rich - A Type Of Underwear, Usually Animal Skin, Crotchless Thongs. (Well, hot damn!)

George - of, indicating, or supporting homosexual interests or issues.
Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.

Beth - a person who is fun and makes you feel all "fuzzly" inside. i think mine is the specialist ....... may have a small pirate fetish. (I didn't add that last part)

Nia - aka, 'the blackhole'. One who possesses the power to lose literally anything within seconds of touching it. Do not lend a Nia anything of value if you ever want to see it again, especially keys. A Nia is a happy creature with an orange glow and sometimes appears to have been rolling around in mud. A Nia may attempt to cook pasta in plastic colanders and other dangerous things of his nature. (Nia! Stay away from my wallet!)

Pandora - Closet Horny. (This was the cleanest part of the entry that did not have to do with Greek Mythology.)

Lori - Crazy hot girl. Beautiful, smart and funny; Lori posesses atributes absent in 99.9% of women. Truly a lucky find. (Dammit Lori! Even you're definition is awesome! It's not fair!)

Buckaroo - MONEY. you sick crazy freakos. jeez. (If you read the rest of the entries, you would know why it is defined like this.)

Nun - Jesus' fangirls. (Possibly the cleanest, most humorous of all the entries.)

Jason - One who can't commit and is emotionally unavailable. Also known by the names "Hobbit", "Frodo", or "Fig". (Which is humorous because I often call him Douche-Baggins of the Shire at work.)

Ericka - Erica is hott, you know, sexy, a bingy, bonger, yeah bitch, jealous much? (The two t's in hott let's you know this is a serious definition folks!)

Susan - To yell "Susan" at an innocent bystander, generally while traveling in a vehicle. A person is "susaned" when they are caught turning their head in the direction of the "susaner". (I need to do this! This is awesome!)

Well folks, if you want to look for definitions for yourselves (be forwarned - there are some things you cannot UNLEARN. Just sayin') you can go to UrbanDictionary.com.

Happy Labor Day

Happy labor day folks. I had to work today, which is amusing, if you consider the name of the holiday. So, happy Labor Day everyone!

Also, I went to a Festie last night, and there I was all happy and chilling, and it occurred to me: I AM GETTING MARRIED. Yep, it just dawned on me. I'm a swift one, aren't I?