Open Letters

Ala Letters From the End Consumer, I am writing open letters to people/things I have been thinking about lately. so enjoy, and if you make the list, kudos to you.

Dear Everyone in the Northwest and Western Suburbs of Chicago -

It was Wednesday at 6:30 p.m. Rush hour should have been over with, and yes, I-355 was packed. As was Rte 83. As was LaGrange road. WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING TO? Was there a biological attack on the land of the ritzy white folks? Should I have brought Eric down to the South Side with me? I must know.

Dear Rhianna -

Remember that Family Guy where Chris writes on the wall, "That's enough John Mayer."



Consider this your writing on the wall - YOUR SONGS ANNOY ME. THEY LACK CONTENT. They are repetative for no reason. YOU ARE THE SOULJA BOY OF POP R&B. That's enough, Rhianna.

Dear Bee-Gee's Lady I was stuck next to in Traffic -

WHY BLAST THE BEE-GEES? SERIOUSLY? While we are stuck in traffic? DO YOU HATE EVERYONE AROUND YOU? I want you to know that because of you I felt the need to blast Swing by Savage. A SMALL WHITE GIRL IN A FOREIGN SEDAN CANNOT HANDLE THE BEEGEES FOR THAT LONG BEFORE SHE TURNS TO RAP. What is wrong with you, honestly? (For those of you wondering, it's the song from the dancing scene in Knocked Up. )

Dear Eric -

Hi honey. I need an IPhone. I know you just bought me a ring we cannot afford, but the IPhone has a Wordpress app that allows me to post directly from my phone. HOW COOL IS THAT?

Dear Readers -

Do you know the quickest way to make traffic move? Take out your Moleskin and start jotting down ideas for your blog and start writing open letters. It makes traffic magically clear up.

Dear Muti -

I do not want to go to this wake on Friday. The word wake makes me think of boating. DO NOT RUIN BOATING FOR ME.

Dear HR Guy -

I hear you found my blog, eh? Before you put on your litigation pants and your suing-suspenders, remember, I know where YOUR blog is too. And no, I am not threatening you, I find your blog charming, even though you do not update ever. But you can obviously tell I change enough dates/names/places/facts that it would be hard to trace. So rest easy, I will not get either of us fired.

Dear Everyone in a 6 block Radius of where I live (aka almost all of Downers Grove North) -

Way to buy that '08 Range Rover JUST IN TIME. What a smart, $4-a-gallon decision you have made.

Dear Mr. Train Conductor -

Thank you for telling me that you do not punch attractive women's tickets on the train, because they should ride for free. And then not punching my ticket. YOU MADE MY DAY!

Dear Enna's Stomach -

When I stand up, you are almost flat. When I sit down, I look like I am related to Jabba the Hut, only I got the bad genes. Decide already, would you?

Dear Muti -

Your keyboard sucks. No offense. Lava you!

Dear Julie -

Will you come to Sweden with me to avoid a draft? We can vacation in Tel Aviv. Think of the falafel.

Sincerely to all -

Enna