I Am Very Good at Sitting Still

I went to a church Meet'n'Greet over the weekend. Did you know Parsonage means Pastor's House? I DID NOT. I walked around the church and tried every door. Normal people do not notice this, I am sure of it, but CHURCHES HAVE A LOT OF DOORS.

I notice this. I always notice if there is a back door. I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable in rooms that only have one entrance and exit, and if that exit is to my back. So is Eric, which would partially explain why we are together. The other reasons revolve around him being so darned pretty. Plus he can sing every part in Jesus Christ Superstar. STOP LAUGHING, THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.

Anyway, everyone is given ten minutes to talk about themselves. I can talk to a group. I can tell you about facts and figures and how you are losing/gaining money. I DESPISE talking about myself.  It wasn't like the church ladies took out a stopwatch, pointed at me, and screamed "GO!" More like everyone ELSE talked about themselves for ten minutes. So, I started on my list in my head, 'Where did you grow up? Where did you go to grammar school? High School? College? Where do you work? FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING MENTION ERIC! Otherwise they might try to set you up with one of the eligible pervert sons!' That sort of thing.

I am a socially awkward person, which makes sense, since I am a physically awkward person. Whenever I am in a social situation, especially one when I am someone's living room, and there is only one entrance and exit, and of course it is to my back - I make jokes. So, without further ado or setup, here is what I said about myself:

"Well, I grew up on the south side of Chicago, and I spent roughly 12 years in Catholic school, which means I am very good at being silent and sitting still for long periods of time. I have a Master's degree in Seen And Not Heard. I also have the first five pages of the Catechism of the Catholic Church memorized from passing notes in 6th grade. I went to Lourdes High School, which has since merged with De La Salle High School, which none of you will probably have ever heard of, seeing as it is in the ghetto, and (me being the last person to talk) all of you grew up in the Western Burbs.  I know the Hail Mary in Latin, but not English. I know more Gaelic than Latin, specifically how to call someone a Bastard Asshole (at this point, in the back of my head, somewhere there is a little Enna screaming STOP NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR OH NO STOP YOU FOOL HE'S A MAN OF GOD HE'S A MAN OF GOD HE'S A MAN OF GOD! so then I skip to college, and eventually to what I do for a living.)

Oh! I have a fiance, he's very nice. He's a chemist, and Irish Catholic, so you know, I'm going to hell. He went to Saint John Fisher, which, if any of you grew up outside the burbs, in the City, that's how we identify who you hang out with and what neighborhood you come from.  I don't know what to say out here in Downers Grove.  My mother is about a semester or two away from her Bachelor's. My sister is a year away from her Bachelor's, my brother already has his, and my father is getting his Master's this fall. I am the only person I know the same age as me who I hung out with high school who doesn't have children."

So yeah, they were rolling in the aisles, so to speak. If Conan ever retires after Jay Leno, someone sign me up. I was invited to a prayer group too. ONE STEP AT A TIME PEOPLE. Well, how about this, I'll show up if you have it in a house that has a back door, that I can see, that is not to my back? Deal? DEAL!