Day 9: Assworms

I normally try not to swear in my blog. Unfortunately, this story will always be known as the Assworms Story to my entire family. Sorry for ruining your precious virgin eyes. Just be glad I didn't do it with a fork.

The Assworms Story is what I was trying to remember to write about the other day, when the power went out.

My Grandma Melrose used to have full tea sets sitting out around her house, and in these tea sets, there was the greatest prize of all for a child: Sugar Cubes!

So, my brother and I would stuff our faces with sugar cubes every single chance we got. No one really paid too much attention to the fact that we were filling up on little cubes of tooth rot. That is, until my father noticed that we were eating pure sugar.

His reaction? To tell us that if you ate pure sugar, you would get a bad case of assworm (for you technical types, he meant pinworms.)

We believed him.

Flash forward roughly 12 years...

My mother is telling me a story where someone she knows is sucking on a sugar packet (I don't really remember the reason or even who.) and I replied, completely serious and straight faced, "She shouldn't do that. She'll get a bad case of assworms. Then the doctor will have to shove his whole hand up there and get the dirt and worms out, otherwise they will spread to her heart."

My mother was SHOCKED.

She was looking at me like she was waiting for the punch line. I looked at her like are you shocked that I know this, or are you shocked because you never knew there was such a thing as assworms? Because if you never knew about it you should get checked!

[The dirt in your ass thing? I naturally assumed all worms create dirt. Hey, it made sense to me. Don't judge!]

That was the day I found out that no, eating straight sugar does not give you pinworms. Also, pinworms? They don't spread to your heart. Unless you're a dog.

And that was the day my mother learned that I am a very gullible child, and my dad has a very sick sense of humor.

Sadly, this is not the end of the story.

To celebrate that there is no such thing as 'assworms,' I opted to go and eat about half a box of sugar in the raw.

I got about a cup in, and I looked down, and lo and behold, there were meal worms in it. Have you almost choked to death on sugar in the raw? It isn't pleasant. It starts coming out your nose, and it tears it all up, and then you get a nosebleed. All-in-all, if you are ever celebrating your freedom from the oppression of assworms, stick to refined sugar. It just seems like it would be softer to choke on.

On another note: I went to Catholic School for grammar school, and every morning we had morning prayers. We also said the Pledge of Allegiance. Only we all called it "praying" the Pledge of Allegiance. Imagine my surprise when I found out other people in other religions knew that prayer too! THE WHOLE COUNTRY KNEW THAT PRAYER. I am mostly surprised no one ever corrected me.

And then there's that time in Junior year where I asked who Richard Stanz is. My teacher looked at me oddly, and I explained, "You know, the guy in the Pledge, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and for Richard Stanz..."

Yeeeeeah. Sorry this wasn't diet-related again. I stuck to the diet today though. I ate a ton of fruit and vegetables for lunch, and then took a walk. It was a grand day, all around. And assworm free to boot!