Rub-a-dub-dub

Eric called me into the bathroom while he was taking a shower. He leans his head out of the shower curtain to talk to me and he is covered in soap lather. I start laughing about how he is covered head to toe in soap lather, and he drops his voice and gets all serious and asks me "dude, wait, do you not use soap when you shower?" which makes me double over in laughter because it is just hilarious to me.

But apparently I have been showering wrong my whole life, as I lather up quadrants of my body at a time, whereas apparently the rest of America lathers up everything in one go.

I know why this tickles me like nothing else.

I have a friend whose boyfriend never knew that toilet seats were for men too. He would sit directly on the bowl, and managed to make it to 32 without anyone telling him that men can use toilet seats too, they are not just for women. And to answer the question that no one wants to ask: yeah, he sat directly on the bowl on public toilets too.

That'll Do Pig

A lot of people have asked me why, after teaching Sunday school for a whole year, why I didn't go back to teach another year this year.

The reason is named Jeremy. OK, not really, but I can't exactly call out a minor on a public website. So the assholes name  will be Jeremy for this post.

I brought a Wii into Sunday school last year for the kids to play with. For a group of forty or so sixth graders, this was huge. They got to play video games while at church - score! Well Jeremy different think so, he had that cooler than shit attitude that I totally hated when I was a kid, and sure add shit want going to put up with now that I was an adult, so I told him I didn't care.

Side note, teachers listen up, if you ever have a kid in your class who has a bad attitude and is just being contrary, and you have tried everything and you are at your wits end, pull them aside and tell them you don't care about their happiness, or that they are bored, and that you would sooner see them leave than deal with them another minute. I don't know why we sugar coat things for kids, when you tell the truth to kids it shuts them up for quite awhile.

Maybe I am just a bad teacher. Actually, I know I am a bad teacher. Speaking of sugar coating lol...
Anyway, Jeremy didn't want to play Wii, so he sat down and played with his phone, which was fine by me because that is what my entire generation does while bored. Later on that night, I receive a call from the head of the Sunday school program, Jeremy used his phone to film up the skirts of the little girls playing the Wii. And thats when I said some not so religious phrases and quit. And not just Sunday school, but church altogether.

I imagined Jesus patting me on the head and saying "that'll do pig, that'll do."

This is a Test

Yep, I am coming back to blogging. I just can't quit you, girl.

All Mediocre Things Must Come to an End

I am ending this blog. I know, I know, but we all knew this was going to happen sooner or later. I still blog elsewhere. I am considering going back to blogging/writing in the future, but for right now, I am going to concentrate on finishing this last year of school and working on my masters. I still own an internet store that needs managing, and I work full time. It's a wonder I EVER wrote on this thing, frankly.

If you still want to be connected to me, I suggest finding me and friending me on Facebook. I am still on Twitter, and I am on Google Plus (I would link to that, but I think facebook and twitter will be my main two stomping grounds.) 

I probably will keep the domain name, and I will probably still post on here every once in a great while. I wanted to say thank you to everyone for supporting me through my blog, through the community garden, through my prison reform campaign, through life. I appreciated every comment I received, every link, every email. 

I'll be back next year, you know it, I know it, we all know it. But for now. 

Good-bye and thanks for all the porkchops!

You Have Come to the Wrong Place

Dude, this is the internet, if you can't find proper smut like a normal human being we are going to be forced to ask you to leave. 

Also, have I ever written about this? No? That's what I thought. 

I Think, Therefore I Do Not Get Punched In The Ovaries

I am a sucker for buying children presents, especially when it isn't a present-centered occasion. Now that almost all my friends have children, this means I am buying a lot of presents for no reason whatsoever. As a result, I now limit my purchases to $10 per kid for these any-occasion presents.

The other day, I was out shopping for a 5 year-old and a 9 year-old, and I came upon the fishing section. "Came upon" isn't the right wordage. Ran full speed to that section and used the cart as a riding toy by running and getting it up to the proper speed and then hopping on and yelling "whee!" while the wind blew in my hair is probably more proper wordage.

I adore the fishing section of stores. Fishing is the greatest thing ever. EVER. I do not possess the vocabulary to tell you why fishing is so awesome, so I will let Ron Swanson tell you for me:

I wander down the fishing aisle, look at a bunch of rods and reels (not a euphemism, I genuinely did this) and then came upon something so wonderful, something so magical, it almost appeared to glow:

AIR HORNS

For some reason, I thought this was the greatest gift ever for a couple of little boys. So I put about 14 of them in my cart. See, I had already spent about $6 on candy for them. CANDY AND AIR HORNS = the perfect gift in my eyes.

I got to the checkout, started to unload my cart, and looked up at the checkout woman. She was looking at me with a look that said "She's too fat to be on meth, but CLEARLY a woman who has a cart full of nothing but candy and air horns is on drugs."

And that's about when my common sense came back to me. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to buy children of any age air horns. I am not sure where my brain went when I originally threw them in the cart, I hope it had a nice vacation.

I guess what I am trying to say is if I ever bring your child a gift, just check it first, because there is no assurance that my brain is on vacation or not.

Sick Day

Am I the only one who sits around watching thirtysomething and Misfits when sick? Yes? Okay then.